A soical Whore

I am not your Scapegoat

2012-01-23T15:06:00.000-08:00

You know when you hurt someone, like hurt them so bad you can see it all over their face. I have done this, I have hurt a grown man and have brought tears to his eyes. I ended up crying myself almost wishing that I could take it back. Take that pain, I wanted to see him smile at me again. I wanted him to call me beautiful. I ached..I knew that I couldnt it was done the damage, all I wanted was my happiness. That voice in my head Screamed "Selfish" he even called me that. Selfish. I cringed, because I have never been selfish. I didn't like being selfish. The tightening of my chest grew worse. Even now it still tightens... How can me being happy be the cause of all this? I took a deep breath after when he left and I smiled at myself it's going to get easier .... One week I have regretting my choice prolly 100 times.... I have been called bad names ....yelled at...I have dealt with so much hatred I cried and I wished for our old lives back...and I keep thinking I'm selfish.....

I'm not selfish

I made a very hard choice in my life to better me..I can not keep letting you blame me, for your life, you have made the choice to react the way you have .. Please do not give me the power over you... that's not fair to you. You want me to hate you? I won't . This is my life I have made a grownup choice that has hurt you, but it was a choice that I made.....forgive me if you want, I need to stop taking the blame... I'm taking a new deep breathe and moving forward, not being stuck in the past

picture posts

2011-12-29T12:02:00.000-08:00

Here is John one of my best-est friends! this kid makes me laugh... I absolutely love him he makes me laugh! wait I've said that about him

simple me....that's when I love me the most♥

when I grow up I want to be her

the boy

santa and whiskey

Pool shark right here

Thinking....

2011-12-27T12:50:00.001-08:00

I have lost so much, I'm not sad though, not even a little....I feel that something different has entered me and I can hardly even see that old person that I use to be....Do I question "Where did she Go?" I do because the choatic person is pretty much gone, do I miss her..sad to say I do. Only because that's all I have known in 30 some years. I smile more alot more...this is still strange to me and I find myself trying to ruin my happiness..that's all I know..I feel that I'm so wierd but yet I will not change it, not even for a moment. everything is fressh and new to me! I love my new sights and smells....

Love you

I have come along way

2011-12-08T11:33:00.001-08:00

This is such a beautiful video, I really want you all to watch this and truly listen to the message that it has. So much has changed.. I look at myself in the mirror and I see nothing that once was there. A good thing yes..though I miss myself.... I have issues of feeling that nothing is going for me because I do not have the drama in my life anymore.. I have this new self image and self love, that I love so much but I'm still not use to it.. another chapter in my life, is starting and I am Self-defeating myself , I am working hard on changing this.

I am going to write once a week and copy everything I write and want to share that I have in my journals

love,peace, light
Heather

and it still going on........

2011-07-31T03:59:00.001-07:00

( First off I just want to share this photo because I think it's one of the most cutest things♥)

I have 7 more days left at the beach, today is the day that I have to give my daughter to her father, this makes me sad, even though she is sooooo happy about seeing him. I try to be grateful that she has a father that, wants to be her life. I should be extremely grateful. I just don't like those days or weeks when he has her.

Cattiness between my family is getting worse, I wonder by the end of the week if there's going to be war! I am working on separating myself from this ridiculousness, and not being sucked in..

We all vent, We all get angry and hurt by others and we need that release, I get it people I just don't understand this stupid, cruelness we have towards hurting people.... some one can explain that would be really great!!!

but I am enjoying the time at the beach!♥

Family is all that it matters!♥

2011-07-27T04:11:00.000-07:00

Family is all that matters, but truthfully in my case it does it mean the ones that gave birth to me. Unhappiness hits most of my family members hard, their goal at times is to see who can be the most cruelest with out being so blunt. They are like rabid dogs snapping and snarling, I keep my mouth shut and wonder how I don't or didn't turn out like them?

I guide my daughters in being a strong positive person, one that understands why they feel the way they feel....I don't want them to hate others or disrespect others because they are miserable. I want them to make sound choices... I love my family at times they have your back and they are not as bad as others ( never have they beat me ect....) I have gotten some good qualities from my family, being a strong women ect... I just understand that my mother is a victim herself. So I want to end the cycle of victims raising victims. My family blames others for their pain. I understand that, how you react to situations are your doing♥♥

Day 4 at the beach and I'm pretty much just on my own.... my choice though...I do not want to get involved of the talking behind their backs .....I just have to keep loving me and moving on, sometimes though working on me and bettering me I feel so alone♥♥

vodka stained hands and a sticky journal

2011-07-26T04:08:00.000-07:00

the smell of the Ocean fills my nose in a nonintoxicating bliss. the ten year old stands in front of me with board in hand laughter on her lips. I sit on a wet sand soaked chair as I write. feeling the tension leave my body. I take a deep breath, filling my lungs with the Ocean air. The life guards swim by, the last ne struggling to keep up I take another deep breath and let it fill me, begging the Ocean air to bring me peace and happiness. the Soothing strength of the waves have that power. such an old power. the waves can wash my sorrow away

lipstick stained smokes,and freckled shoulders!♥

2011-07-25T04:50:00.000-07:00

Where do I even start? do I just start with photo's of the great time I had with my daughters at the beach? or do I just jump into,where it hit me that I enjoy drama in my life!? I sat on the phone off and on for almost 4 hours with my boyfriend, crying fighting and so much ridiculousness, So much, and then it hit me.... No one really enjoys drama it actually gives me a huge headache and drains me, though that's all I know! I am sitting here on the phone with him, Justifying my actions to something so stupid, then it hit me, this whole crazyness is because he misses me and HE does not know how to deal with it, so he attacks and then I try to make it better and we make up! all because of his insecurity, well guess what this is not happening anymore. I am going to keep my head held high, and just be happy not deal with anyone elses BS...♥♥

Lets get to the pics!!!

The Beach and working on me♥♥

2011-07-24T04:01:00.000-07:00

15 days, of just me at the beach, I have 15 days of working on me and finding that peacefulness, that some how has been lost between bottles of wine and stained fingers of ciggeretts !!
Hello, it's been sometime, since I've been on here and these next two weeks I am going to work on writing every morning! I am at LBI NJ and this place is truly my first home!♥♥

I came here with so many hopes and goals of finding that peace that I use to have, Kiddos its time to forgive myself for my past actions! I can't change it, I can't be ashamed of it, I just need to grow and learn and be completely honest about it, I have made huge mistakes, I have hurt many in my battles of hating myself, but no more of that. NO more excuses of who I am or why I do things. Loving me and accepting me even my flaws is my main goal♥

I wonder how others do this I wonder, how others learn to forgive themselves? Can anyone answer this?

Picture post

2011-06-08T15:05:00.000-07:00

hanging out with friends.....
Got amazing bf in my life,who is truly the most wonderful person in my life
Got some new ink, which I love♥♥

I've been so busy.......

this is all I can give you photos, ♥♥

Shallow....

2011-03-18T07:45:00.000-07:00

About a week ago I was called shallow....I was actually called shallow by someone who I thought was a friend of mine. WHY????....... because I was hanging out with a coworker who, wants something more then just friendship. " My Friend" set up a bet that I'm going to end up breaking his heart.....I find this cruel and really unjust.

I ended up taking the trash out and kicking her to the curb, she thought this whole bet thing was funny. I can still hear her laughing as she is telling me. So now a week later I find myself in a strange situation .... My coworker that I've been hanging out with,is actually a pretty amazing,sweet, guy!!!! that makes me very happy! What's the problem then? I'm afaird that, her words calling me shallow, i'm using that to prove to myself that it's not the truth.

I've talked to him about it, because we sit up at all hours laughing and talking ....he told me that he completely understands and this is a battle I have to fight on my own...did I tell you he's 13 years younger then me...groan..another issue I have... I look very young but I'm not sure if this is something I can deal with...

On another note I've been reading the book The Secret..I find it amazing! and actually a great read...70's today planning on being outside and maybe getting some wonderful amazing sunlight on my pale skin!!! Love ya folks

A photo post

2011-03-10T06:34:00.000-08:00

This is KiKi..she's one of my Cats , she has a huge attitude, She has a extra thumb on each paw!
This is my friend David, he is such a calming soul..Love him
Chloe,She's my sweet cat, she's very shy but has so much love to give

and Ceno the evil cat from hell but I love him

two kitty photo's

2011-02-25T09:57:00.000-08:00

Sorry only have a enough time to show you these two pics of the Kitty! So cute ♥♥

all the great stuff! ♥

2011-02-24T05:52:00.000-08:00

So I've been sick, extremely sick with the flu last week! I felt like I was dying and I was curled up in a little ball. The bathroom was my bed for 13 hours straight... I felt like I was a addict and I needed a fix

I got a playstation 3 yesterday!I've finally joined the real world of gamming, I love playing games! I'm a big dork like that... I've been playing FF13 and Little big planet, which is very cute and fun!

I went and saw I am number 4 and I loved it!! I also think the main charactor is a little hottie.

I ran into a ex boyfriend of mine on monday. We actually lived together for almost 2 years, he ended up moving to Hawaii. Our relationship was very very unhealthy. He mentally abused me for years. I thought that , that was how relationships were suppose to be..into now. He actually said he was sorry for how he treated me, he told me that he was in a dark place, and he hated women..blah blah ..yeah I knew all this I am very grateful for him saying he was sorry. He wanted a 2nd chance, all I can give him now is maybe friendship, and even this is something we have to work on.

March is coming very soon and this month just flew by, I'm very excited about a new month and new goals!
bye for now

A week of Experiances!!!♥♥

2011-02-10T06:44:00.001-08:00

So far this week has been interesting and extremely busy, A good busy for me. I've accomplished allot on my to do lists! I've finished another book and Goal for this month is 6, so 4 more to go..

Book I'm reading now: Morganville Vampires book 2

I've been reading allot of books my daughter has been reading it's actually a wonderful experience because we get to have conversations about these books!

Sunday: Superbowl living in PA it seems that so many are fans of stealer's, Me not so much, only because of not a fan of football at all! I did my duty and went to a Superbowl party. Where on the counter tops were lined with all different kinds of drinks!! and they had a room that was just used for beer pong! another thing I'm not a fan of but I actually had a good time!

Monday: I made homemade Chip beef

and forced my daughter to eat it! I'm a huge fan of Chip beef..my daughter..not so much! I was proud that she at least tried it ( grumpy face she had) but yet she did try it!

Wed: I got to Experience Thai Food!!!

Pork pad Thai, never had it before but I love it!! it's always good to try new things and it was SO Yummy ♥♥

Today I'm making Owl cookies with 4 little girls and my amazing sister, I'm doing this while I fight a cold off but I'm sure I will still have fun doing it!♥

How is everyone Else's week going?

Home at last!

2011-02-03T11:56:00.000-08:00

I'm finally home...Last night I got to sleep in my own bed and I got to be with my kitties ! ♥ There's something about finally being home after days away!. You feel complete and you feel like well YOU!!!

I was psyched about seeing my cats, they ran up to me showing me so much love! Last night I made some dinner for a couple of friends and we sat around drinking wine and talking about Life, it was wonderful experience that I'm very grateful for!

My close friend Lisa asked me to get my tarot cards out, and read our friends John's cards. This is something I've been doing since I was 9 years old...It scares many people, and so many others judge it and look down at me for doing it

Here's the deck I have, I love them, I don't really talk about them that much do to the fact that I have lost friends over them,... I don't sit in a dark room with a candle burning asking the cards how I can make my life better...that's not what the cards are for...I believe the cards are your subconscious helping you to figure out how to fix a problem in your life! I also believe your dreams do this as well...

This is so cute!!!!!♥♥

Well I finished one book today actually it took me 2 hrs to read it Inner Wisdom By Louise Hay

Really think you all should read it! ♥ It was such a inspiration to me and it truly made me happy and rethink in a good way about my life!!!

Have a wonderful day! ♥

Can't wait to go home......

2011-02-01T16:18:00.000-08:00

Because of these storms that keep hitting my area, I have to spend another day at my Ma's house. Of course that means endless computer time, drinking wine and eating with the family,which yes are all wonderful experiences to have....I want to scream at the top of my lungs I WANT TO GO HOME!!!!

Please don't take this wrong love my mother, but her and I are really so different, she's completely blinded by things that are truly going on around her. A complainant comes out of her mouth when she opens it. It irks me and I feel my brain hurting the moment I step into her beautiful huge house!!!

I so miss my kitties as well and I can't wait to hold them, and kiss their little faces!!♥

3 things That made me happy today:

1.going to work and getting paid to have fun with Customers ( it was a snow day!)

2.Watching the Simpsons,with my favorite Ten year old

3. Taking a wonderful hot bubble bath!

cenno, when he was younger, I love this little guy so much!!!! Can't wait to go home!

Things I'm doing....

2011-02-01T01:36:00.000-08:00

So is anyone else sick of this snow?!?!?! Every week it snows I enjoyed it but now I'm really, sorta over the whole thing!

Here's some things I've been doing to keep from not going crazy!

Book I'm reading:

I'm half way threw it and I find it a great read so far! I love reading books on this period.This is based on the mother of those two little princes that went into the Tower and vanished, no one even to this day knows what happen to them. I think you all should read it!♥

blogs I've been loving: My Owl Barn it's a blog on things of owls, cute crafty things you can make, sweet treats that look like owls!!! I adore it !!!

Making some yummy foods: I've been trying my hardest to make my one recipe Garlic sizzling chicken perfect!, I want it to be BAM!!!! in your mouth. Once I do I'm going to share it right on here!! My ten year old loves this so much she can eat 8 legs!!

February Goals

1.Read 6 books

2. Clean the hotspots of my house ( you those places you shove things to hide them)

3. write a weekly blog

4.care how you look

4 is funny to me because I'm someone that really does it care , but I'm tired of being asked what grade I'm in or if I'm working to save up money to go to collage ect...I'm 33 years old !!

Hope everyone has a great Tuesday

my head will be better tomorrow...

2011-01-31T17:48:00.000-08:00

I've been dealing with a couple of crappy days, here In Heather's land....I've been so angry I just want to Scream my head off , like a raving lunatic.Now I have the worst pain in my jaw,because I've been holding that feeling in!!! I wish I could be a kid again and just throw a tantrum screaming and kicking! Gosh that would be great!

I've been sorta holding my own with wonderful friends, John the guy in the pic with me has been a really calm Cat for me.Plus others! I will get threw this, I just need to completely understand why this is happening to me? What am I ignoring in my life or something I'm feeling and not dealing with♥♥

I'm going to promise that My blogging will get better again, Trust me I actually can write..lol I really can really, I just sorta lost it...not sure how that happen but it has....So to those who remember how I use to write I'm trying to bring it back, those who are new to my blog I swear I can do better...Goodnight!♥

February Here I come♥

2011-01-28T15:22:00.000-08:00

February is only a couple of days away!! I am so ready for it..ready to have some new goals for the month and ready to see how my life is going to go!♥

I had amazing dinner party at my house which,turned out really good with some amazing friends on Monday. I made my famous sizzling garlic chicken legs and some kinda potato onion thing..lol that I sorta just threw together...

This week has been tough on me, tough to the point that I was knocked down a couple notches and realized that I'm not as great as I think I am! I became a statistic lumped into a group that I never wanted to be lumped into..... I have Daddy issues !!!! Always have and these issues smacked me right in the face this week! I was way to shock and then when I accepted it, I looked closer at every relationship I had and GASP!!!! this explained so much! Not that I'm happy about this, I am a fighter I have beaten Cancer for christ sake I'm not going to let a stranger that I don't know give me issues! ha ha... but in all seriousness, this is something that I'm going to have to shake, going to have to stand on my own two feet and figure out how to overcome. Just right now I'm not sure how I'm going to do this. People walked away from you or I walked from them..always a game to see who would do it first... I think I took the first though and admitted to myself of my issue ♥♥

Here's Ceeno he's getting so big, and soooooo bad! but he's the cutest thing ever and that makes up for everything that he's done! ♥

I Love this!!! this is so beautiful!!!

Another beautiful saying and so true!!♥♥

Sweet home sweet home!♥

2011-01-19T02:36:00.000-08:00

Going home today after work! Which I'm so psyched about, I'm a hot mess, and I almost feel bad for going to work looking the way I do. Didn't know I was staying at my mom's for this long. Not complaining, Just soooo ready to go, my uncool corkscrew curls are giving me a mental patient look, I'm usually putting so much product in my hair to have it stick straight that lasts for 2 days! those two day's are up buddy...

I miss my Kitties ! I miss my girls!! I can't wait to see all of them. Dreading the stinky cat litter box..wish they knew how to clean up the box themselves!

Blogs I'm reading

1. The Electric Twist

2.From Scratch

3.The Dainty Squid

All of these blogs are wonderful in their own way. I love strong,Sweet women, that make something of themselves....

Books I'm reading : Eat,Pray,Love - being at my mom's I have it really been reading as much as I should have..because Of the internet, Oh internet you are such a joy but a curse as well♥

Well off to work I go♥

Red wine and trying to get my agenda organized

2011-01-18T14:37:00.000-08:00

I completely ♥♥ this photo!!! things that we need to all keep in our minds. To truly be wonderful human beings! It's Tuesday and I'm sick of this wet slushy,cold,frozen ice and snow... Winter does not bother me but..but I've had enough of this snow! Been staying with the mama mama, due to not being able to drive myself to work.

I'm truly trying to get my agenda organized, my day is filled with so much stuff, I'm someone that has to put "make bed" or I won't do it!!! I'm not computer savvy to make something creative,I try to research this on the internet but there's really nothing at all about it, I can't be the only one in this world that has a problem with this! So any Idea's would be Wonderful, thank you!♥

Have a great day!

As they say this too shall pass...

2011-01-18T02:20:00.000-08:00

Funny how old people have so much wisdom in there feeble little minds, so many of us don't even listen to them anymore espically when we see that their mind is going

As they Say this too shall pass...

My grandmother yesterday kept saying this in every little conversation we all had. I saw my mother just smiling at her as if she was a little girl...I started really thinking about this Quote seriously thinking about it...What a easy simple little saying, my Grandmother just shrugged her bony shoulders and really had no strong emotion in anything, well that's not all completely true she had complete feeling of bliss and happiness!!!♥♥ So today I should just live with that saying in my mind, I should just feel it right down to the little cells in my body. Maybe I could relax more and not worry that something or someone is out to get me? Is it funny, or well in case I know that people are situations are not out to destroy me, but my mind has other ideas !

The book I'm reading: Eat, Pray, Love, excellent book I would recommend it for everyone!

Well folks off to work I am have a wonderful,beautiful day!!

hard week ....

2011-01-14T08:13:00.000-08:00

I'm surrounded by death, every where I turn someone has passed away.. No One truly close to me,I just see this horriable pain in my friends eyes! I feel so much sorrow on social networks that I'm on.

Sometimes I feel I'm so alone when things like this happen, I give comfort to my friends, and I say the words that everyone tells them...over and Over I hear the same thing being said. Nothing is going to bring these people back..they are not dead You can't hide and lock yourself in a room! Remember who these wonderful people were...and smile because they were in your life! Strange what sort of People come out when someone dies..People I never knew the deceased knew??? Why is this??

I spent my days this week crying, not sure if it's my time of the month or I have a lot of forgiving to do with myself..but I just bawl♥ If you knew me you would know that I don't cry, not because I don't find anything wrong with it I just don't! I have this understanding of things in life...

I was never one to cry in front of people and even now it's hard for me too..I would rather smile or crack a joke... I'm rambling♥

These are just my thoughts hope everyone's week went well

Goals and letting all this go...

2011-01-07T10:56:00.000-08:00

Funny thing after 3 months or so of working on me, I can see one thing ( or well one person) and it all comes crashing down on me.. Ever been in that place where you run into someone that your not ready to run into and your guy feels like it's being ripped out and your heart is beating so fast?

Yeah that was me about 1 hour ago!!! Does this mean that all my hard work did not pay off?? I don't think so, it shows that I do have some forgiving to do and I'm not yet heal of the pain that this person has caused in my life.... Thing is folks I get so frustrated because I don't want to feel this way at all, This person made a choice and he has to live with it..so why do I have to feel and deal with? That's just It I don't..I have the power in me to control my feelings and thoughts and let this whole thing go.... blogging about it is really helping to♥♥

January Goals

1.read 5 books ( I already have 2 down)
2.Make bedroom completely spotless
3.Clean up friends list
4.work on daily todo lists

really excited about these goals!! Wed. was my birthday and it was great spending it with my family♥ Today I'm spending it with my friends and next week their should be photo's
Have a wonderful weekend and remember be proud who you are ♥

what I've been doing

2010-12-29T08:13:00.000-08:00

Hello everyone!! It's been a busy couple of weeks for me. Hope everyone had a great Christmas! I recieved many books that I've been going through very quickly. My new Love Is "Tuesday's with Morrie" which is amazing book about life experiences!!

I've been working on bettering myself for almost 2 months now. Every day I love myself more.I'm happier and freer! I've been letting the bad people in my life go. Not dealing with drama..I've also been reading anything I can get my hands on!!!

Books I've read:

-He's Just not that into you
-You can heal your life
-I can Do It
-Happiness
-Power thoughts

So as you See I've been really busy. Today I"m going to work on my Grateful list and do some forgiving of myself and others. I can't get past somethings in my life,because I have a problem with feeling Self-Righteous,and Resentment. What a waste of energy!!!

pretty interesting!!!

2010-12-17T09:26:00.000-08:00

Last week I talked about relationships, and how I feel that I'm growing and so many in my life are stuck in a void of just wanting to be miserable .... I was seeing this guy who I thought was pretty amazing and I ignored all the signs that he was just not into me. Yes we has amazing converstations we would talk for hours and I would make him laugh and we always set up plans, but I ignored that he was it completely there. He ended up just telling me that where he is right now in his life he didn't want a relationship.... Boy did my girlfriends get mad!! lol you know what though I was it I thanked him for being completely honest with me, and yes rejection does suck, but I know that it was not because of me. Was not the right time or it was not their for him! and that's not his fault.... He was pretty amazed at how I took it... and thanked me...

Some of my friends thought it would be really great of them to call him a jerk or a player but really it was my fault..I look back now and seen all the signs that yeah he was it into me but I ignored it!... it shows that my friends need some growing up to do....

People need to realize that when the reject you and say no it's not really you! don't take in personally!!!

Anyway next week him and I are going to hockey game, since I can be chill and respect him : ) see I made a new friend!

Relationships

2010-12-10T06:34:00.000-08:00

Another week went by and I find myself in such a situation. I find that I'm growing as a person and my friends and love ones are still stuck in a place that I don't want to be. The above picture is my best guy friend, I love him so much and he's always been there for me! But the fact that I'm growing and I'm starting to love myself more each day! I feel that he's stuck in a place I don't want to be anymore, and he's not doing anything about it!

People make choices in their lives, and if they don't admit or try to make things better, or they just harp on and on about it how are they going to grow!

I'm also starting to date..again and I think I've waited 3 years that 's long enough! it's truly hard let me tell you...though I think that it's harder for men. Men are sorta clueless when it comes to dating and I believe that women have the upper hand! I know that I don't fit the mold as most women in my area, it actually hurts me to hear my male friends talk about how they have been hurt by these women! Also though I'm really surprised that they even picked them!

I met someone that I feel like I have a connection with, he thrives on life and I think gets it how life is! though I think he's been hurt really bad! and can't let that go. Since I've been talking to him this girl has been stalking me and asking me questions, I want to know the story but I don't know how to approach him on this. With out causing my problems or drama....

I think I should just let him go because he needs to figure things out but being a women you always want to help people..sigh oh well

Have a good weekend xoxox

Silly things we do

2010-12-03T11:14:00.000-08:00

Happy Friday!! folks, I hope everyone had a really amazing week and you all have great plans for this weekend! I'm working it's what I do on the weekend : ) not complaining just stating.

Today I've been feeling really happy and I have this big huge smile on my face that I can't get rid of! It does it even bother me that my niece wants to watch the tweleve dancing princess again for the tenth time in the row.

I've been doing this excersis that every time I think a bad thought about myself I push it away and tell myself that "I love you Heather and all is well" silly I know but I think it's working♥

Life is always throwing things at us just to see how we are going to handle it, I was someone that always just blew off as Oh well something else that didn't work for me..well I'm over it! I do deserve the best in life I just have to go for it!!! ♥

hope everyone else is good

hey

2010-12-02T10:01:00.000-08:00

Really can't belive it's December already!!! Time is going so fast! How is everyone? and how was the turkey day? I ate so much that I forgot to bring home leftovers..groan..those are the best!

My goals of bettering me are actually going pretty well. I'm taking one step at a time and learning that people don't make me, I make me! I've also been learning to forgive people who have hurt me, and get this to forgive myself!♥

Went out last weekend with some work friends and my best friend! had a blast here's some photo's

I came to realize that I need to go shopping that I need some new clothes! I keep wearing the same thing! so that's going on my todo list♥

facts

2010-11-25T07:22:00.000-08:00

I got this idea from one of my Fav. Blogs I like to read. Running with scissors 15 random facts about you! ♥ I think it's a really good idea. So Here it goes♥

1.When I was younger I had a 6 inch blue mohawk..yup I never really cared what people thought of me

2.I love making homemade Mexican food, yuppers from scratch and yup I hear from people i'm pretty good at it

3.My mind is filled with random little facts, that I just yell out at the most randomness times

4.I have Leukemia and I also have Epilepsy, but I'm happy and smiling each day

5.I was a singer in a punk band!!! I miss those days sorta

6.I've been clean for about 11 years off of all drugs which I'm so proud of myself

7.I love quotes and Affirmations!! and I completely believe in them!!♥

8.I use to be a hardcore tomboy but the past 3 years Im finding my girly side!

9.I use to have 22 piercings

10.I can't bake at all cookies,cakes it's not in me to

11.been all over the USA!!!

12. I love reading comic books

13. I own 175 pairs of shoes..love them!!!

14. Dislike women who go to the bathroom in small groups

15. I believe in living every day like it's your last♥

So Ohkay lets hear some of yours!!!♥♥

Favorites on the web♥♥

2010-11-25T04:10:00.000-08:00

Since I'm on the web I'm going to post what I can, The sun is starting to rise and I can hear the house stirring awake...as my family is getting up. My ten year old has already told me Good Morning but rolled over and went right back to sleep. Her hair matted to her check and her body twisted in a weird angle.

I wonder what my cats are doing at home knowing that they are probably getting into something they shouldn't be and I'm sure they are missing me so much♥

New Photo's of the Kitten Ceeno :

He won't let anyone near that toy he does this little growl that is not even scary at all lol he's so cute!♥

(source)

I want this library !!! I love the fireplace and all the books, I want to get all these books♥♥

(source)

I love owls!! always have..I find this pic tooo cute for words I want to find out how to make them!! I'm thinking of adding more owls to my wonderful owl tattoo, I know they are a very big thing now, but it's something I've always liked!♥

Well coffee time!!♥

Thankful♥♥

2010-11-25T03:06:00.000-08:00

Happy ThanksGiving!!!!! I wanted to start off with saying that..I've been waiting for this day for weeks. I love to eat and I love to cook lots of food for people and watch them enjoy it. 6am here and I've been up for almost 2 hours

10 Things I'm Thankful for:

1.My family-they have driven me around this past year, taken me to work picked me up ect..I'm very thankful for that

2.My children: Everyday They make me smile, every day they grow and enjoy new experiences and I'm happy and thankful that I get to experience that

3.I am thankful for having a job, in this day and age with the economy so many people can not work I am thankful that I have one..

4. Friends: My friends are truly amazing people!!! they have stuck by me this whole year where I have been tested just how strong I can be!!!

5.Kitchen: my kitchen has brought so many people close together!!! friends, come over and see what I'm cooking

6.Internet: I have met a lot of great amazing people on the internet,and I'm so happy that they are in my life

7. my bed: Ohkay I know that sounds silly but I'm so thankful for the times that I get to have soundless sleep in my bed!!!

8. Books: I love to read and I'm thankful for ever book I get my little fingers on!!!

9. Music: This year for me was the time for music when I was down I turned on music and let myself forget about all my problems

10. Me: I'm thankful for being me, thankful that I still can wake up with a smile on my face and support my friends and love ones

happy friday

2010-11-19T08:13:00.000-08:00

So it's Friday!!! that means to me it's the last day off before I have to go back to work. I've been hitting it old school and got out the old playstation 2 and have been playing some old RPG's like final fantasy and such, trying to get a perfect score on these games!! exciting I know!!!

check it out doing that silly face that I do...

I'm a sucker in taking in people's unwanted cats, my goal I believe is to be the Cat lady and to be single the rest of my life..lol no that's a joke...

I took in my friends Kitten which I showed a pic before on here,he's a bangle and I have to say he is sooooooooo bad

His name is Ceeno! he has ripped the drywall off my walls, flicked off all the keys off my keyboard, showered with me... ate and stole my food off the stove!!! but you know he's the cutest little thing ever!

I woke up with a running nose and a stuffy head : ( I hope it's not going to last because I feel that I've gotten every kinda sickness you can think of and for real I'm done with it! so over it!

I hope soon I get internet so much,do i feel like i'm missing...

thankful

2010-11-18T07:32:00.000-08:00

So I got my owl tattoo and I love it!!! I think it turned out so nice,and he did such a great job on it. I've been getting alot of compliments on it as well.

This past week I have been doing alot of soul searching and reading some amazing books about how positive thinking can change your whole life around! I know now from experience that this really does work and I cut out the bad stuff from my thoughts and Keep thinking of postive things that I want to happen in my life!!! ♥

I've been hanging out with some great friends,and slowly weeding out the one's that really are not that good for me! I affirm and tell myself that I love me threw out the day! and every day I get stronger and healthy as well!!!

I've been reading a lot of books from Louise L Hay, who is really a wonderful writer and she helps you stay positive and gives you simple tools to do so!! so please read her books!

Thankful Thursday :

1.My girls I love them and they bring me joy every day

2. My friends they make me see things that I might now see about myself

3. My family they help me and deal with me being sick

4. Waking up!! being sick I stay positive and every morning I awake feeling blessed that I'm still.

what are you thankful for

Goals for November

2010-11-12T10:44:00.001-08:00

Loving this ink! I'm pretty psyched about getting my owl tattoo done on monday...The great thing is I'm getting it done for free! so that even makes it better.

This month I'm going to be working on bettering me...Letting these stressful 8 months pass me by. Letting go of losing many people that I thought were my friends. Dealing with being yelled at and bullied Just because One Man has chosen to not be adult and take he's responsiablity in life .... it does it matter why my life has been upside down..all I know is that I'm not going to stand around and let them tear me down!

November Goals :

1. loving me

2.Having a clean house

3. being that happy person that I know I am

simple right?

It should be, I'm slowly getting rid of those friends that just kept not treating me right. I have so much to offer as a friend.

Any of you folks have goals for november ? I would like to hear them

IT's Friday!!!!!

2010-11-12T06:48:00.001-08:00

Happy Friday !!!!

I love how everyone gets so excited about it being the weekend. I work every weekend so to me it's just another day, but I'm happy for everyone that has off and I hope you enjoy!!!♥

Mornings have been so brisk and chilly and I love it... I love drinking coffee and standing outside for a morning smoke and just watching the leaves blow and feeling the cool air!

Monday I"m getting a new tatto which I'm really excited about. IT's going to be a owl and I can't wait !!!

Butterfly is like happiness.The more you chase it the more it denies you.

I love this Quote!

Getting use to not having internet! I use to be so addicted to Facebook and other websites
hope all is good

A letter to my 16 self

2010-11-05T07:38:00.001-07:00

I got this wonderful idea from a blog that I read Sometimes Sweet! She is amazing writer, I can only hope that one day I will be as good as she....

Dear 16 self,

You were always alone, and you dealt with your pain by yourself. Things will always get better. You hated your mother but in the end you will see that she did it out of love and she wanted to give you the strength to do things on your own. In the future your mother will tell you that she was wrong and that she was sorry for being so hard on you. She loves you!♥ My 16 self never had good friends and I hated living in PA. My NYC friends always had a blast and they told me that they loved and missed me. You did good in always remembering that now. I'm the only one left in my NYC friends.(I should clarify that I never had good friends in PA) You will learn that you should make due with what is handed to you and not wish for more, I dwelled so much on my misery I missed out on meeting the good people in this area. 16 self hated children, but now my children are my life and I would not have it any other way! 16 self you still put everyone before yourself and I hope soon that will stop, you will find love though he will walk away from you and hurt you, you know that it had to happen. Your sister will still be Jealous of you and try to destroy you but she will be their for your children almost like a second mother...Your strength will be inspirational to so many and you will hear about this daily. You will laugh even when you want to cry, and you will be goofy when you want to scream at the world... You will always have that understanding that people always told you that you had. An old soul is what they said.
Love yourself you are worth it

Hello Thursday!!!

2010-11-04T07:52:00.000-07:00

ugh this whole not having internet is really putting a damper on my blogging! I of course have been getting a lot of stuff done as well, but I have so much to catch up on!. got to get caught up on my reading of my favorite blogs.

I finally got my heat turn on...After begging my landlord and pleading to him he turned it on. Economy has been hard on everyone. This is why I'm gratefull for having a job, and getting a paycheck every single week. I am very grateful for this.

What are you grateful for?

I've been dealing with a lot of negativaty from people. I know that deep down it's their own problems with themselves but I don't see why peeps have to put me down to make them look better. Work on you how about that. I'm going to keep smiling and just show how strong I really am. Wish me luck on that lol..

Tomorow i"m going to go have sushi with a friend who is so dear to me he's like a uncle, I've secluded myself for the past two weeks and now it's time to get out their and enjoy my life again. I think that sounds amazing and wonderful.

This week I've been working on staying positive and not getting sucked into the gossip that's been going around I'm better then that I think lol no I know...

what's in my bag...

2010-11-01T18:32:00.000-07:00

Hello!! everyone I've gotten this Idea by another blog I read The Crafty Fox pretty nice blog so check it out!!! anyway this is all that's in my purse and really my purse is usually pretty junky filled with so much stuff but since I just cleaned it out your in luck!

1. my purple comb I'm always teasing my hair and this comes in handy

2. I have 3 little bags in my purse one is a wallet for my cards, the pink one is for my lipgloss and perfume and the last is for my cash!!!

3. Is a little book I carry around I write things down that pop in my head or something that I hear that I fall in love with

4. always need meds!!!

5. I use sanitizer all the time!! yucky germs

6. A lighter yes I'm a smoker

7. you know this is a plug not sure for what but it's in my purse lol

Any way what's in your purse

What I'm grateful for....

2010-11-01T05:30:00.000-07:00

My family, they are my life and they are my heart! Good morning and Happy Monday! and also it's November ... The Past is the Past let it go run out there and Scream it!! new month new beginnings! This month is a time to be grateful to everything in your life♥

My Grateful list :

1.my family

2. my friends

3. Having a Job

4. My knees.. i know sounds funny but I have torn ACL's and my knees are holding up pretty well

5. that I have a roof over my head

6. Having rides to work

7. Having People that love me

8. to the people who don't like me or who have hurt me ( I forgive you all)

9. having food

10. and my health

Here is just a couple to be thankful for....

What are you Thankful for?

* One day I will be able to talk about both my children but know that I love them both, it's hard when people lash out and end up hurting and ruining innocent people*

Day 10 and 11,

2010-10-31T13:13:00.000-07:00

Day 10: Something your afraid of :

So this is hard because I'm not scared of anything, at all!! If you want to count something happening to my babies then ohkay I'll say that but I think that's any mother, or I guess I hate those bugs that have 1000 legs ( shivers) but I wouldn't say I was really scared of them. Just don't like them♥

Day 11: Favorite TV shows

1.Bones

2.Glee

3. No Ordinary family

that's about it!♥

Day 8 and Day 9....

2010-10-31T12:59:00.000-07:00

Day 8: A place I traveled to

I'm actually I really believe lucky, because I have a wonderful Grandmother, who has given me the experience of traveling a lot around the US and I've been lucky to go to London!!!! I was 7 years old and I remember just being in love with the city, the history the funny little accents! the food and so on so on.... I wish I have a scanner so I can show you pics! but I don't : ( so you just have to take my word for it. I went there back in the 1980's and believe me I want to go back and experience it now! older and wiser....

Day 9 : Pictures of your Friends

I have sooooo many pics of me and my friends! I love my friends and i cherish every moment with them

Here's just a few !! always cherish the people in your life♥

2010-10-29T15:33:00.000-07:00

Love love love Halloween!!! The whole trick or treat, the whole getting candy, seeing my girls run around in scary silly outfits!!, Love sitting outside drinking apple cider and handing out candy to all the other kids...

I do have to say though that this month has went by so fast October is all ready gone almost.

My internet is still not working and It looks like I will only be on once a week now : ( it makes me sad

I still have this writer's block thinging going on aauuuggghhh it's maddening

Quote of the week:

we have to learn to be our own best friend, because we fall to easily into the trap of being our own worse enemies

What a great Quote and how true this is..love it!!! ♥

(source)

I want this hoody I think it's super cute!!! and looks warm♥ What things do you all wear in the fall? well I hope you all have a great night ♥

Day 7 favorite movies ...

2010-10-29T15:22:00.000-07:00

Favorite Movies:

1. The Goonies

2. Little women

3. Hangover

4. zombie films

5. taking Lives

Just to name a few I have so many, and of course I could say Fight club and all those movies which I love but everyone says them!

Day 6 a picture of something that makes you smile

2010-10-25T07:30:00.001-07:00

This right here makes me so happy whenever I See her I smile and I get this wonderful feeling in my heart. Every day she is a joy in my life and we experience great things and always have new adventures. She balances me and she made me who I am today.. I love her ♥

I do have a youngest daughter as well due to things going on in my life I can not show pics of her : ( but I love both my daughters

Beautiful Monday!!!!♥

2010-10-25T07:01:00.001-07:00

So it's Monday, and I'm drinking my hazelnut coffee and looking out the window at the trees and how beautiful they look with reds,yellows and orange leaves. At this point I can truly say:

In my world nothing ever goes wrong!!

I'm still at my mother's house and today i will head back home after work with my little girls and see how the cats held up being on their own for the weekend.

(source)

I love this little Journal it's so cute!!! (source)

I'm working today as well only 5 hrs 12-5 sometimes I wonder if it's even worth it :) I would rather be cooking or spending that time with my girls..

Since my internet is still down at my house I won't be able to write a lot of blogs next time will be on thursday when I go to my sisters to help with her little one....

♥♥ Happy Sunday♥♥

2010-10-24T17:09:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to wish everyone a happy Sunday! Today was so beautiful out!! I love love fall♥♥ and I love my new attutude in life. I love the smell of pumpkins and the Crisp air and the leaves falling love it all ♥

♥ Yay to Pumpkin spice latte!!!!,it's the only thing I drink at starbucks I'm not a fan

All the positive energies of the universe are flowing through me.

So loving this Quote at the moment I think that if I could just remember this and stay positive my life will turn around for the best! ♥

Right now I'm curled up in my mother's guest bed and drinking a glass of red wine and watching a Lifetime movie... one of my secrets hee hee I love lifetime movies ssshhhh don't tell. Funny thing this weekend I locked my keys in my apartment and have been locked out all weekend♥ I'm such a ditsy person sometimes.. Can't complain that much because I'm reconnecting with the ma and eating wonderful foods and tasting great wines!!

Well how is everyone's Sunday going?

Day 4 & 5

2010-10-24T12:52:00.000-07:00

Day 4 : Parents

My mother and I are really close, she is my strength and she is my hope that if I keep fighting in life things will work out for me.... My mother raised us on her own, and she never has asked anyone for help or money. We grew up really poor but we never went for nothing clothes and food and Yes love. My mother is a inspiration for me and she shows me how to be a strong independent women who can stand on my own two feet♥

My Father..sad to say I never honestly knew him, I look at it that's on him and he is missing out on the best times with me and my own children♥♥

Day 5 : Siblings

where to start with this one lol, Theirs ten of us all together, but I have one sister that we share the same mother and father, Her name is Shawn and she's funny, and she's smaller then me which I'm just over 5 feet and she's under 5.... she also has blond hair and green eyes, where I take after my mother and have dark hair and eyes. My sister does a lot for my children I will always be in debt with her.♥

Day 2 and Day 3 of the 30 day blog posts

2010-10-23T15:05:00.000-07:00

Okay so I'm catching up in this 30 day blog posts thinging, and since my internet is down, but my ma is kind of enough to let me camp at her house as I've been sick, and for some reason my apartment has no heat or hot water!! I can get all caught up! ♥

Day 2 Meaning behind your blog name:

Social whore, I call it this because I'm always talking to people! I'm always meeting new amazing people, and hearing their stories,and adventures!! which to me is strange because in away I'm actually a shy person♥

Day 3: Your First Love:

My first love, was amazing young man who didn't love me back...I learned a lot from him and he tried to give me what I could but he just couldn't. We always have this amazing connection...and to this day he is the only man I have ever love♥♥ My eyes are wide open right now and I see that he was not good for me but I did learn a lot , and I'm always grateful for are time together!!

♥

A little bit about me..♥

2010-10-23T12:31:00.000-07:00

So I got this Idea from amazing blog I've been reading , The Electric twist I think everyone that reads this blog should read it. I love how she writes! and what she does!

So Hi My name Is Heather, and I'm Pa. I live near the Capital oF Pennsylvania, if you enjoy the country then you will like my area!♥

1. I have 3 cats, not sure really how that happen but I ended up having 3 in a 4 month time period...

This is Ceeno He's the only male cat that I have, he's about 2 months old and he's really bad, he's part bangle which is a huge breed!

2.I have a unique laugh, I only do it when something really funny happens, I actually squeal ! It's embarrassing but it's who I am♥

3. I think friendships are very important to me, and I try to be their for all my friends no matter what♥

4. I hate Starbucks but I'm in love with their Pumpkin latte I love how it's orange and the whip cream and ohhhhh it's sooo yummy♥

5. I do look at the good in people, but I have a problem with looking at the bad as well : ( wish I didn't do that♥

6. love watching movies! love just having those days were I can relax with a movie and just chill♥

7. I like hearts : ) can you tell♥

8. I love owls, and octopuses Love anything about them♥

9. I love music really into classic rock or 90's music

10. I have this thing about quotes I love them!!!! ♥

Well I hope this helps you know me a little better, hope everyone has a great day!!

I want to be that girl that changed everything.The girl that made a difference.The girl that gave you a story to tell

I was wondering if you could write a sex blog for me

2010-08-21T12:58:00.003-07:00

I wouldn't even know where to start

Ask me anything

Hey have you ever been to a mutual masturbation club that was co ed ... I wanna set one up so bad

2010-08-21T12:58:00.001-07:00

What um no!!!

Ask me anything

If you could change one thing about me, what would it be and why? And no you cannot give me some lame answer about thinking I'm perfect how I am. We all have flaws...

2010-08-21T12:57:00.003-07:00

this is hard because I have no idea who this is...

Ask me anything

If you were told you HAD to change one thing/situation/moment in your past... what would it be? and why?

2010-08-21T12:57:00.001-07:00

I think it would have to have been, in keeping my children a secret, but in the same sense I think that things happen for a reason

Ask me anything

Does it really take you 30 minutes to eat a hot fudge sundae? Do you do it real seductive-like and dribble a little syrup down your breastplate?

2010-07-07T15:40:00.001-07:00

Yes I like to savor the taste of Hot fudge sundae...and no because I don't know how to be seductive at all ha

Ask me anything

how did this happen

2010-06-28T11:54:00.000-07:00

So last night I sat at the bar and I couldn't even finish drinking a picture of beer ???

This is really crazy to me... me the girl that could out drink most just didn't feel like drinking.

Then it hit me Shit I'm growing up...shit shit shit. I pounded the table and lit a smoke my friend who I refer to him as my side kick or a funny little growth stared at me. He just sit's their and listens to me bitch about life...he say's off the wall things and I love him for all of it!!

Why the hell am I letting myself get older and to the point that I don't really want to drink to get drunk? Why is it hitting me know I mean 32 years...??? Even my dreams of having a full sleeve are slipping away... I love all my ink but I feel like I don't have that urge any more to get more.

I've been reading a lot of self help books and I think I'm blaming this new change in me on them... Damn them !!!

Even the blogs I'm reading are on cute animals and women with kids and self help blogs....

How do I put a stop to this.. How do I get me again, Get me the whiskey and lets think about this

formspring.me

2010-05-21T08:21:00.001-07:00

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/heater2

random

2010-05-21T07:18:00.000-07:00

Favorite Quote 4 the day :

dear starbux, i love you soooo much. but sometimes, when I walk inside you, it smells like period. It just does.

Hahahaha

I love this, I love her pose and her ink, she's so beautiful, I wonder who she is?

2010-05-04T17:15:00.000-07:00

New blog here

it's been along time....

2010-03-07T06:47:00.000-08:00

I've been busy....

Not really doing anything but causing reckless in my life... Same old same old shit.

My knee's are still fucked up and I hate working on them... I put on such a front at work and then as soon as I get home I crumbled to the floor in a mess of vomit and tears, This is no lie I'm in so much pain I actually throw up.

Work is on this new mission to make me hate them even more. My daughter was sick really sick and I called to let them know that I needed to stay home with her. Of course The company I work for prides themselves in being family orient ... so they gave me a choice to either find someone or get written up. I don't get written up, every!!! sO my mother took off work and stayed home with my child. Not her responsibility but I got to work on time .This world is really screwed up. Today is sunday and I awoke to my knees even worst shape and I called off I will take the write up I guess I can't walk and my knees are huge and swollen. My manager actually hung up on.... sigh I don't call off I sacrifice being a mother to go to work. I hate my job

I ended it with a new lover because I couldn't help but feel that I deserve better then a booty call. When I had the convo with him he said it was fine because he met someone. Snort.... double snort... what the hells wrong with me!!!

My quest for making new friends is hard no body trusts anyone..clicks like to not except any new people...

well this is it for now kisses

he held me at being insane

2010-02-12T12:47:00.000-08:00

I miss my one friend Ian, when ever we were together we always had such a great time. We fucked like coked out Rabbits and the sex was really good. Before we would completely in my home Ian would have me pinned in someway or form and my clothes would be ripped off of me. After and I'm talking hours later my face would be smeared with old makeup and a smoke hanging out of my lips. He hated that I smoked. LOL actually he really just Hated me.
We had such a hateful relationship I think back on how fucked up it was, and knew that Yeah I'm fucked up sometimes but there is always that person that you just look at and think " dude what the hell is wrong with them" Ian sometimes would call me, Just to make me cry, he would tell me how I was worthless and the world his world would be better without me in it and I should just kill myself right now. It always shocked me when I got these messages and as soon as my tears would fall and my voice would crack he would sooth his harsh words and beg to come over and have sex with me.... I'm ashamed now to say that I would let him.
My friends could not believe that I stuck around with him, I couldn't help myself the sex was so amazing. I have it seen Ian for about year well seen him in a physical way, we did a last big tumble in the sheets and he kissed me goodbye and walked out of the house. Of course later I found out that he had a girlfriend who was actually my best friends sister's bff and lol well lets just say I had some explaining to do.
I hear that Ian and this girl are still together, and that he loves her and is very nice to her which I'm very happy for him that he found peace in his life. I always wonder if he thinks back of me and how crazy we were together crazy but sooo good that he would even cheat on girl that he "loves" are how if they are having sex he thinks about that time he held my face in his hands and told me I was the best he ever had and he looked like he was the telling the truth it was scary I felt like he would have eaten me. I just always wonder about this stuff, is it wrong to miss someone like that?

The evilness of bipolar

2010-01-29T16:35:00.000-08:00

It's still January, that means to me that it's still my birthday. I know my birthday was Jan.5th but in my head I think your bday is for the whole month. I'm sucking the drinks out of anyone I can.

I know it's bad of me to do this.......

I meet lots of peeps this way, People find out it's your birthday and they all of sudden become a part of your group to join the party.

I guess everyone uses everyone......

The Evilness of bipolar- I'm not downing anyone with bipolar I don't fully understand it and I'm not going to pretend that I do. But I feel like it's rubbing off on me. I feel like I some how got this condition .

Some of my friends have bipolar most of them are medicated for it and I don't really see them acting strangely or their moods going up and down. Yet I have a few that refuse to be treated for it or their meds are not the right ones for them but they refuse to tell the docs what's going on.

So some day's I'm going threw a emotional Roller coaster ride with my friends where it leaves me in tears and so frustrated I want to slice my wrists. This is not a joke, and I don't know what to do.Should I just walk away from them, but is it there fault that they have bipolar? I understand that they can't control their emotions but I can't disrespect myself anymore and deal with this hateful , anger that they bring to me. anymore

enough is enough

Then I feel guilty for having these thoughts... sigh what should I do

It's way cool being a girl

2010-01-21T19:54:00.000-08:00

I use to have this weird thing I did as a child. I remember it plainly at age 5 but I'm not sure how old I was when it started. When ever someone asked me my name, I would always say it was Steve.

My mother would shake her head and my sister would snicker behind her hand. I just always wanted to be a boy!!!

Maybe at a young age I understood how so much more relaxed boys were, how they were it so bound up in a tight ball, Where society didn't look down at them and expected them to act or be a certain way. Because if you think about it boys are not suppose to act anyway.

I always defied everything that I could think of. I was the girl that always smoked in the bathroom with the boys ( yes I'm talking about the boys bathroom) I belched and farted and flung my boogers and screaming girls. I was always the cool girl or the one that the girlfriends hated cause their boys would call me up if they had problems. I've gotten threatened so many times that I was going to get my ass kick If I didn't stay away someone's boyfriend.

You know what was funny... I never wanted there boyfriends, I knew their secrets I knew what they did behind their girlfriends back, and sorry girls it's not what you would Like.

Years later when I started growing into my skin... I was such a late bloomer I really started understanding why it's so good to be a girl!!! and I'm not talking about free drinks , boys pay, or what ever, I'm not that superficial. We have compassion and we have a need to forgive and we have understanding. As some of our fine points. Yes we have sex appeal that we can use to get what we want. And Yes folks and boys we can play our head games and let me tell you, we do do them better we just let you all think you pulled one over us. : )

What's my point in this well... nothing really I'm happy at being a women. It's good feeling I'm happy about being a strong independent women. Yes I do frighten people with my waging tongue and my great fuck you approach to life, but that's me.... and it's way cool

Just because your a cop does it make you the shit!!!!

2010-01-03T07:00:00.001-08:00

it's about ten a.m. and I'm sitting here eating Scallop Potatoes. I woke up with such a craving for them, and I found a box of them hidden in the back of the shelf.

Last night I went out for my bday. Though the real birthday is on Tuesday, I celebrated with some friends Downtown.

It was huge fun, and I laughed and had a lot of good times. It was very cold that I stuck hand warmers in my shoes and bra to keep me warm. which it did the trick

My Pride got a little hurt last night but I'm proud of myself that I understand it. I'm not a raging idiot or all depressed because again some dude played me.

this dude was a cop and I've been interested in him for sometime now. We've made out and he would call me and text me and he told me he liked me but he was wetting his feet to see what else was out there. which was fine, I just asked to be respected as a person.

Well last night he forgot that, he picked me up for my bday bash and then to make along story short, left with some chick and his friend took me home

I'm going to be really immature here :

Here she is.., sigh okay I know real fuckin bad of me . Looks don't matter she might have a cool personalty.

I was shocked and then pist as I watched them make out right in front of me. Well I told him in a calm way that I didn't think that was cool, He said that he was a cop and he can do what he wants.

I took a deep breath and just kept having fun.

I think I 'm done with boys for awail. They do nothing but play games and I really don't understand it because there's women out there that would have one night stands with them. I guess I was a challenge.

Even Cop boy friends said that was disrespectful now I'm sure there just going to say whatever to me. But I enjoyed the bad mouthing from his friends lol

But Happy Birthday too me !!!

Yes I agree !!!!

2009-12-08T20:22:00.000-08:00

Babies are like miniature drunk people. They topple over randomly, they laugh at funny faces, they ramble incoherently, and they switch between being happy and crying their eyes out in the blink of an eye.

it's been some time

2009-11-21T10:47:00.000-08:00

Here's a video to watch while I get back into the swing of things been so busy lately. This is Kimmy and she's a friend of mine. While I had a little get together at my house this is her view or thought on orgasm

waiting

2009-10-23T18:56:00.000-07:00

I"m always waiting.....

Or

Atleast that is what I feel like most of my day. I'm waiting for rides, I'm waiting for old people to walk up to the cash register and pay there fuckin meals!! I'm waiting to drink. I 'm waiting to find answers in my life. I'm waiting for my money tree to grow in the back yard..... any day now any day

I'm also waiting for that time when someone looks me in the eyes and asks me " Heather what do you want?" I"m always waiting for others to do what they have to in life.

I'm always the one that changes so they can do and feel and say what they need to do. I would love to have someone stop being selfish for one minute and just listen to me for a change .

You know what else I hate wanting to drink so much...

The splitting headache

2009-10-19T10:40:00.000-07:00

I feel bad for this lady. Though I laughed so hard I almost peed myself I still found it funny. This is something my own child would do.

Here's me with a random dude , I went out last night and of course drank my weight in whiskey and beer. This Kid who was only 22 sat down next to me and told me how his sister forced him as a child to listen to Boyz to men, and all those boys band . I smiled and nodded my head like I cared.

Some times when People drink... Okay most times but It has it hit me , People think they can just go up and talk to anyone and this person is there greatest friend and they tell all there secrets to, I was this person soul mate last night.

My head is killing me today I feel like the 7 dwarfs are pounding away inside my brain!!!

converstation with myself while I bathe

2009-10-16T19:49:00.000-07:00

I came home from work and slowly walked to the computer 34 messages on facebook and a bunch of shit on my email account. Nothing from The love of my life. I need to be a little bit more Joyous about the people that are in my life, and not the one's that are scared and too week to handle me as a person.

84 pounds of fear right here baby...

I soaked in a long hot oatmeal bath and wished that I would just drown in the mess. My body would be found bloated and flies would lay there eggs in my ear and belly button.

Don't worry folks I would never do it I'm a walking contradiction , hating and loving life all at once.

Where ever I go my nose runs for the first two hours and then I find that it stops and then I go to the next place same damn thing.

There's a pic of me sitting in the tub I look like I'm going to suck your soul out

I'm trying to work on not being so needy, Just like the selfishness of the love of my life I too have faults, I just want to work on them together lol and he does it, Though it's faults that we have when we are together. Thats funny to me I need to speak to him to help my faults, and he needs to get to a point where he does it have to pop pills in his mouth to talk to me.... yup the love of my life loves to pop oxy... picked up the habit again after being clean for a year, picked it up due to me, started the habit due to me...... sigh

I'm not a Social Whore anymore.....

2009-10-13T06:05:00.000-07:00

I have it had sex since may or maybe june? not really sure but that bad right. the fact that I can't remember the last time I had sex!!! I feel like a animal , my senses are tripled and I found myself attracted to all the things with penises.

Last time I had good sex about 4 years ago... lol

I"m not a social whore anymore, I don't go out. I'm on this kick on drinking in the privacy of my own home, stumbling around my floors and cursing whoever I want. I started holding conversations with myself, That's not the greatest thing huh?

Today I looked down while I was drinking my coffee and saw that my pinky nail was long while my other nails were short, I smiled to myself and knew that people thought things of me because of this. Yes and my sister verified it as well.

The cat looked at me with such a look while it scratched it's claws on my blanket. She was smirking... I know it,laughing while thinking "yes heather I just came from the litter box"

a different sorta post

2009-10-02T13:00:00.000-07:00

I want to see this movie !!!! it looks really awesome to me.
I"m hatting my nose today it won't stop running even when I take meds for it !!!
would I look silly if I cut it off?

I've been staying at my aunts house, house sitting her two cats, they make me sneeze. they know this and lay on me. I hate them.

back

2009-09-17T11:56:00.000-07:00

I"m back, I don't know if that really makes me happy or what but yea here I am. I came back with a big chip on my shoulder and a wonderful "fuck you" attitude , that's what happens when doctors poke me and take blood and put things inside of me to understand why I can't get better and along I just secretly wish for their deaths and chuckle as I think of ways to off them.

Lets see what's been going on, The BFF has traded me in for a penis and tried to blame it on her daughter being in school and how she wants to be a mother. LOL the funny thing is , she still goes out every night.

Then my friend ( who is pictured with me) stated that he thinks I have the only child syndrome , that I need attention. I thought about this. I"m not one to get upset by people's opinions of me I like to think on it and see if there is any truth in what there saying...maybe there is .

So last night I want to a house party and with my wonderful attitude I embrace alcohol with a frenzy, People were impressed, but I just didn't care. Statement were made of how tiny I am and how much I can drink, I played drinking games that I had it played since I was 19 and ended having fun. People were so drunk I couldn't understand the words coming out of their mouths, I made this known because It was a little annoying talking to them .

Of course this morning I'm hurting and feeling it in the worst possible way, I feel like unicorns are stomping inside my head. why don't I think before I do things

what happens when you start drinking in the late morning

2009-09-06T09:36:00.001-07:00

I want these, I"m not sure why, but I think it would be cool to have doll arms dangling from my ear lobes. Even though I think dolls are creepy this is something I wouldn't mind having. What a great conversation starter. "Why thank you they are nice earrings".

Wouldn't this be a great Halloween costume!!! it's very smart idea lol. Giving birth to your self lol I love it

bubble wrap Vagina

2009-08-26T10:19:00.001-07:00

Okay okay here's a new post So SB Can Keep her pants on.

I ended up going out to ...yes you named it the gman, the same bar that all my friends go to on a daily bases.

I guzzled two pitchers of crappy miller light and sucked down whiskey, like I was a crack whore on dairy and 13th street in the burg.

See how drunk I am wonderful.Of course we all started talking about my fantasy. Which I think I stated on here before on how I want a Bubble wrapped Vagina. I love bubble wrap. I think it would be cool if Vagina's were made out of bubble wrap. Everytime they popped it would be very pleasurable . Some one of course asked what happens when all the bubble wrap is gone on your Vagina. This is the thing gang it never will or better yet it will reaper like herpes.... I love bubble wrap.

Image via Wikipedia

So I actually had a little bit more fun even though it's the same thing all the time. I told my BFF that maybe we should put our names on the chair since we always have to sit in the same ones' . Listen she actually runs to her chair, I thought maybe I was just imaginative it but I saw her running to the same seat that she always sit's in...so sad.

I think next time I"m going to race her and see what she'll do...

Why did I miss them

2009-08-18T10:34:00.000-07:00

Today my plan is to eat Jalapeno Popper Doritos and drink gallons of Dr.Pepper. Yummy breakfast.

Yesterday I awoke with a face that was swollen from eating fish, never had a fish allergy but that's the only thing I could think of. So I spent most of day high on Benadryl and other such things.

Awoke in a faze and had a problem in running into things the wall doors counter tops. Lucky that we all have shins a device used to to run into things...... ouch.

but when I finally decide to join the human race 33 text messages. People Please !!! All begging for me to go out. I told my BFF I would . Which I shouldn't have, ( Sorry Mattie I know we had plans)

I sat at the bar in the same table that we always sit at, My BFF ordered the same drinks, it was wonderful. There was a new crowd of people there, I"m a big people watcher and I watched them and made scenario up in my head.

Then my BFF said she was bored. Inside I rolled my eyes, maybe because she comes here every day. The only time she goes some where else is if you have a penis. ( did I just say that).

My BFF's sitution :

My BFF has a boyfriend in the army or something like that. They fell in "love" 2 days after meeting each other and they were so cute I wanted to vomit in my mouth. about 2 weeks after they met he got shipped back to base, which was like 6 weeks ago. So yea new relationship. Oh he's married, wants to get a divorce but wifey won't let it happen.

This kid sends her 3 letters almost every day calls her everyday ( the BFF) I don't know how she put up with it. Anyway BFF runs into old flame after boyfriend leaves, They go out once a week and talk on the phone, yea there's some spit exchange going on there as well. Here's the thing New guy is getting married in 2 months. BFF told him he needs to make a choice? What?

She does it want to be a home wrecker ????????? I think my BFF forgot she has a Boyfriend !!! I think she needs to make a choice...

I think she's being whorish , though she always does this, there was a period where she was having sex with 3 different guys and they were all best friends they didn't know !!! sometimes in one week she would be with all of them.

Listen people call me a whore because I have a lot of male friends..lol I'm not though I have my needs like everyone else. I made bad choices in People Like anyone else, but I'm pretty much a prude compared to her.

I'm sitting with my friends and I think back to my weeks away and all the wonderful converstations I had with my NYC friends and family. Old nicky boy and yes would sit for hours and talk about life and laugh. Not laugh at some chick that has toilet paper on her foot and then get annoyed because I told her it was there.

Why did I come back, because I missed them, i forgot now though why I missed them.

Drunk blog of madness...

2009-08-14T00:13:00.000-07:00

Well well well another night of drinking and seriously getting drunk, such good times in the old hole.

this blog is brought to you by a drunk me who's been drinking beer and a shot of something that I really don't remember...

I was spit on tonight

a grossness of spit hit my leg and purse. it was it even meant for me but some how 7 feet away I got in the way of this guys aim.
Not sure if anyone 's been spit on but it's a pretty gross thing, Almost as gross as this guy licking me ..lol nay he's a friend but it took me for a big surprise. Lately I've been sucked away by Gamming on line and watching reruns of My so called life ... Remember that show I use to love it and for some reason they canceled it, and I really didn't understand why.

The guy that spit on me sounded like chis tucker trying to say one sentence with out sounding like someone took his nads trapped them inside the bad animations jaws bot and set it to jet setter mode. like bud wienstien winning the national jump or die cup, like Brittany spears freaking out over her self inflicted hair suicide and blaming it on AL gore who blames it on global warming who blames on el ninyo, who in turn blames it on Lewis black who is the root of all evil.

Is Al Gore even around any more....

WOW I'm drunk and I shouldn't be blogging at all

Ever time I'm drunk I want a cookie ..sigh

Today some chick at the bar was celebrating the birthday of her set of boobs !! I have nothing against boob jobs but man, do we have to have birthday's for them? Are boob jobs not the thing of the past?

Image by San Diego Shooter via Flickr

Maybe I should get my boobs done like this girl
ha ha how funny would that be?

I think tomorrow I'm going to grabby pant and have a huge headache to prove it. I'm not going to be a bowel of peaches tomorrow I'm all ready seeing this in my near future....

I should be sleeping but of course I'm trying to find some cookies to nibble on.

So the guy that spit on me yea , I told you that it was it meant for me, there was a little Rumble with him and another guy after that fact.

there's not much we can do expect preserver in times where we rarely do make sense at all. there are many a thing that we can avoid, but why avoid them at all? sure it makes perfect sense to step out of the way of an incoming car o someones fist hurtling toward you. sure we want to live as long as possible. but then again? what the point of avoing the unavoidable? wheres the sense of adventure going from our people? humans... we are a funny animal.

we can say that were an animal no different then a dog or a cat. in the same sense that we breed, fight, eat sleep, have disagreements over territory and whatever else happens to be there. the only real difference between us animals and those that we deem less intelligent or undominant then ourselves is the primal fact that we question our existence. they don't. they know there place in the universe. so do we. which kinda explains why we keep killing ourselves off by the thousands each year. in another aspect, were exactly like bacteria in the sense that the area in which we inhabit we expand. as well as insects, since were pretty much on par with them as well.

Wow um I don't know even where I was going with that ... I"m sure I'm embarrassing myself now...

I should be done now , not my best... good night
kisses

This is good bye for now....

2009-08-08T18:54:00.001-07:00

This morning I said goodbye to the beach, I awoke my normal time and grabbed my flip flops and headed to the beach.

The sun was bright and I forgot my sunglasses, the brightens helped deal with the fogginess of my wine soaked brain from the night before. How many bottles did I have? Red and white, my teeth are still stained.

The waves crashed on the dirty sand, a trait of this part of the Jersey shore. Cigarette butts and broken shovels laid sprawled hiding in the sand .

Tan bodies gleamed with slick sweat as runners said there smelly good mornings and ran by me. I let the water wash over me. To cleanse me or to consume me I didn't know I still don't know.

Seagulls swore at me when they noticed I didn't have any treats for them, and the sand pipers with there little feet in a weird way made me smile. I was going to miss this place. My time here is done. I would even miss those greedy rich fuckin people who sat so close to you on the beach and their children ran all over your towel , in a sick way I will miss them.

The way my families mouth would just go off as soon as a person would leave the room. Heartless and their tongues like poison. My head would hurt like a hang over just listening to them. I will .. well no I won't miss that . But I will miss my family.

Do I have to go back can I have more adventures, do I have to deal with friends who do not understand the meaning of life, but a small few.I'm bored with that life just like I always am, Jumping from one group to the next. A Social whore in my own right, but not just a whore a social whore, really I'm not a whore at all.

I will miss beach my time here, but I won't go back not to the dull mundane life there in that old life . I can't I still want adventure

Texts from Last night......

2009-08-05T04:46:00.000-07:00

Okay I came across this little web site:

Texts from last night, is a funny website. I found it in a blog of Flatbadger

I laughed so hard I almost peed myself and some of the things that they were texting on this site.

Here's some Examples

(404): after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives

(504): Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.

(303): dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here

(503): I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?

there's some really crude ones' but I didn't want to post those So just go to the site and check it out

I'll write a real post soon I'm just so busy...

oh oh I think I'm growing up

2009-08-02T04:31:00.000-07:00

I had amazing conversation with old Nicky boy the other day that has touched me and made me think. I don't even know how we got on the subject but we had a conversation about Judging people.

He Pretty much summed up the whole conversation with one sentence :

"Has it ever occurred to you that beauty can only be defined if we think that something is ugly"

This statement is completely true.

I always thought that I was one of those people that didn't really think want around Judging People. I prided myself on saying that I don't judge People's actions or I wouldn't care what they looked like.

When he said this to me, I thought back to all the times I was like, "oh he's hot, " or " she's really beautiful"and that is Judging. Then I think about all the other Opposites life-death, short-tall, and the famous good-Evil.

You can't have one with out the other. We wouldn't know anything about Good People if there weren't bad people in the world. Opposites are simply judgments made by the human minds

I think that the rose does not think it's prettier then the daisy? The trees,flowers, and animals don't go around knowing anything of ugliness or beauty, They simply are.......

People look the way they look, Judging them is not in any way necessary or helpful.

Beauty maybe in the eye of the beholder but why must we do that at all?

This is why old NIcky boy is called that, he has such a old soul trapped in his young body....

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Last night I drank only 2 glasses of Vodka before I went to bed before midnight. I then realized hell I'm getting old.

My one cousin came to the beach with his girlfriend and we get along very well, we all have so much fun. Even they said that they are disapointed in me.... I use to be able to hold my own. Get up and and do it all over again!!!

I guess at 31 it's catching up with me, all threw the night before I went to bed i was yawning, I couldn't stay awake. I kept thinking "god I want to go to bed" and the drinks were so strong but usually it didn't bother me.

Little Kim from Mechanicsburg Pa keeps texting me and asking if I was back yet...Last night I just text her and asked her what was wrong. Sigh she wouldn't answer.

I'm not molded to fit in that town, these People there need to understand that. They are perfectly happy with how they and that place is and that fine . But there's a hole world out there.

There is nothing wrong with my butt !!!!

2009-07-30T04:30:00.000-07:00

Finally!!!!

A full 9 hours of sleep...

Since the moment I got here I couldn't sleep. I tried everything .... I tried tiring myself out. Drinking more, then drinking some more. Pills that make you tired... sigh

and nothing worked.

I would lay in a daze of strange dreams. Then threw the day I would be a zombie just pushing myself threw the motions. Yes I was having fun but I found myself starring off into space and missing conversation around me.

Last night I still had strange dreams. I dreamt that everyone was wearing rabbit masks .... I don't know why lately I've been dreaming of animals and things of that nature.

This area is big into working out. Everyone runs around early morning Joggers, even whole families are running together down the road or beach. ( wow bare with me today to much coffee)

I feel like I'm on crack or something, well I've never done crack so I don't know really what that feels like... okay that was so random.

Anyway Yesterday I ran back to the house to grab some rackets to play birdie on the beach and this pretty buff guy was running behind me when he passed me, he looked down at me and smiled. I'm a nice person so I smiled back .

Then he said " you know you should probably start running, your butt needs a little work" I know my mouth fell open in shock. I clenched the racket so tightly my hand hurt and I replied " you know buddy, I could just shove this racket up your butt" The whole time I'm thinking why did I eat that donut.

So the rest of the day I was trying to stare at my butt in till finally Old Nicky boy asked me what the hell I'm doing. I told him the story and he rolled his eyes and told me to get over it. my ass is fine....

Old Nicky boy is from Russia or well his family is... I really don't think Russian is a pretty language, I walked in the living room as Nicky was talking to someone on the phone in Russian. But hey they sure can drink.

I've never seen Nicky Drunk but he's put many shots back. And Russians are very funny.

Okay I need to soak up this coffee to much I feel like I'm soaring in my head... blah

yesterday......

2009-07-27T11:43:00.000-07:00

I danced in the rain in a $300 dollar dress
The sand and water between my toes

I dreamt of fish tanks and fish dancing with crabs...
what does this mean?

I had a drink with floating peaches in it that was so good.

My freckles came out..and at this rate
They will grow so big and just smear.... This is how I tan

I'm really tired.... but a good tired, too much fun and too much sun

I laughed

and I stuck out my tongue.

body surfing

and

sea shell collecting

now I will paint them they will be my new beautiful ashtray's

I'm happy and I thank you all

cardboard fingers

2009-07-26T03:49:00.001-07:00

there's just something about drinking wine on the beach at noon. With clams and other Seafood delights.

I forgot my camera, and I'm missing a lot of great photo opportunities.

I'm laughing so much....

That's a good thing, it's been so long

Last night, we got yelled at at ten pm for making to much noise. But really we weren't. We sat in a Circle on the deck with a fire. We all were just talking normal.My friend that owns the house, Pretty much told him very simply and too the point too shut up. Without being cocky or anything.

This Probably does not make sense to you. I've dealt with a lot of people in my small town that always has to prove a point. they won't shut up about it and they just keep running their month. These People in my little town will call all there friends and have a crew of 20 "take care" of the problem. Then the girls would all giggle and get excited that their was a fight...and blah blah blah it's really sickening actually.

It was a breath of fresh air..

the whole cardboard finger thing came into play by Sarah who was a little tipsy and she's a artist She did say that today she's going to make a cardboard middle finger and but it on the guys fence with a blinking bulb on top of the finger..

I thought this was very amusing and laughed.

Maybe you had to be there.

I'm up early I know, I went to bed late, but I have this excitement in the pit of my stomach and I feel so refreshed

I will be sitting on the beach at 9 am intill 4 that's all I have planned today

Kidding, not to anyone of you

Hope everyone is having a good weekend.

there is a dark cloud.....

2009-07-24T05:57:00.000-07:00

I'm writing this first in my new Journal , sitting in a train that stops in every town before it hit's Philadelphia and then to NYC. For the last ten years of my adult life I lived in a town that was sucking the life out of me.

I finally had a enough of these blood suckers here. No body is perfect including myself. snort.. I'm far from it. But People here need to realize that there is so much out there then this town.

No one called me to say bye or even saw me. My great friends, I love them so much but in the end I was holding it all together, time to let go Heather. I think to myself.

**I need a smoke... I should have had one before the train left a last smoke in Pa maybe in phili I will do this**

Actually to be fair my dear friend Brian did try to see me, he text me and told me No matter how I think of this town there's always a place for me here that no one can fill and he was glad to meet me

Now that was very nice.

I like to think that if I look behind the train theirs a cloud of darkness covering this town. I like to think that maybe a mad Person is doing things to the drinking water and that's why all these people are in this one town think they are so Righteous.

This Place makes me want to scream and rip my hair out. How Can you be so Righteous when you guys are the biggest Joke, other area's make jokes about your great love of having sex with animals, your backwater hicks.....

People here just can't look into them selves Judgmental about everyone. And I had enough

My Best friend forgot I was leaving she had a stressful day she said...I told her I was sorry and she said she would call me in a couple hours...

lol she never did, I called her out on it and again she said she was sorry but she got drunk and she was haning out with her ex.

I think my views on friendship are different then the people here... i think it was for the best that I left.

A new start

your answer.....

2009-07-22T09:45:00.001-07:00

Any man who does not accept the conditions of life sells his soul.

2009-07-19T06:22:00.000-07:00

Last night I sat around a table with all my friends a smoke in one hand and a pint of beer in my other hand, Everyone was laughing and having a good time. INcluding myself.

For once I was it filling like a outcast or like some diseased animal. I was feeling like part of the group.

Kara my best friend's brother came out and he just broke up with his girlfriend and he was on the prowl for some pussy that night. He made a Joke to Kara that she could pick any women and he would hit on her.

Kara took great fun in this and looked around she had a big smile on her face and pointed to a women at the end of the bar...
"how about that one" she said.

We all looked and most People laughed, she was older maybe in her 40's her eyebrows were painted on and you could tell she had fake teeth, A friend laughed and said the women was a crack addict one of the biggest in this small town.

Kenny Kara's brother went up to her and started talking. The women looked shocked and then you could see her falling . I felt bad and Kara snickered thinking it was the funniest thing ever.

Threw out the Night comments were made about this new couple. Kara forced her brother to buy the women a shot and her one as well. The women you could tell was it use to getting this kind of attention and she was loving it.

When it was time to leave Kara yelled for her brother that we had to go. He said that he would meet us outside. Of course her and I had to say bye to everyone so Kenny got outside first. The women was with him.

Kara froze, and then said " who's coming with us"
KEnny smiled and said me and my friend
" Umm no Kenny no one in my car you know that" Kara said very bitchy. The women turned on her heel and headed away. Kenny ran after her and Kara was yelling her brother's name and saying she was leaving with out. He walked away with this women.

Kara just stood there stunned .. " I can't believe he went home with her" she kept calling him and they had some heated words.
by this time I was getting cold shivering and standing outside . Kara's going on and on about crack whores and her brother is stupid and it was just a Joke ....blah blah blah.

At that moment I came to the thought that, Kara my bff I love her dearly will never be anything but a townie. A local. She will always come to the same bar sit in the same seat. And laugh at the drunks. This is her life .... this is this town these People.. and they love her . There's no challenge here ,

She has everyone fooled that she's just this innocent person... Kara I do love her but I just realize what she's made of... and I don't like it

Journals

2009-07-13T14:19:00.000-07:00

I came to a box with some old pics and Journals hidden in the back of my closet. Actually the only closet that I have in my whole place. Which makes it very difficult and not practical at all.

These Journals were descriptive in there writing. A talent I use to have and it seemed that I have lost it. I don't remember really writing these Journals, just finding them buried at the bottom of a dozen other shoe boxs and other such things. I could tell they were written in drinking/drug binge over the years, or perhaps my personality has finaly split in two after all these years of torment and my other self is writing these Journals. If I had another personality what would I call her? or maybe it would be a male I bet his favorite food was spinich ice cream.

I guess I could use another personality. One that does it have seizures or one that won't let shady people into my life. Because that's me now. All he would do is eat spinich ice cream and kick peoples asses ... maybe he would be a pirate..lol

Anyway though back to the JOurnals , there is a vague memory of writing them, a time so long ago it felt like another life.

A Part of the Journal :

"I have to get back to the city. I have been alone for over a hour now and the fat neck hicks lick there fat tongues at me, lack of a good social interaction has turned me into a bitch. Why did I come back here ?!

I am nothing when I'm alone....."

I think I'm going to rewrite these pages and put them on my The Madness of Me blog....

http://madofme.blogspot.com/

There's about 6 journals in 15 year period I think I will just randomly choose a passage... I'll try to do it every day so check back...

You

2009-07-09T19:50:00.001-07:00

You witnessed the death in me and you just let it happen. with not a care in the world with out a thought .

You did not turn around when you walked away from me. You just kept going to never return.

You changed your life.....
You hated me that much you dropped everyone all your friends, your love of pool and cards. Even darts that was your great love.

YOu drove around town in your car and spoke to everyone and now your no where to be seen. It was that easy for you..... I hate you no I should hate you, but I can't that's not what I'm about.

You were that good, Sperm donor. I believed everything you said. Though that voice inside of me was screaming at me. I've made mistakes and for that I'm sorry.

But you
you what you did,.......

Two lives were changed not counting yours, when was lost forever, and hell mine is pretty much gone..... I might not ever return, just like you.

Why was I a game?

You were a dear friend, and you just walked away..... Not caring ,

Will I ever have closure in this?

2009-07-04T23:11:00.000-07:00

Yes...lol I had a blast of a night gang... I road in a 1967... shit I don't remember..lol but it was cool, hair all wind blown and I have a weird ass smile on my face... hee hee

But what great fun.......

i think thats more wine then im thinking about i have had in the fututure past minutes of my minds not completely there at the present tense... wtf am i saying?

I don't know I'm going to blame it on long weeks of not drinking hee hee

My stalker was on the hole tonight I wish I could have gotten a pic of him... he's as old as my dad... sigh he makes me sick... not because he's old just because of the shit that he say's

officialy I am not really fond of this place. sure ive made friends and enemies alike. but you know what? in another 40 - 50 years youl all be dead. probly of naural causes like your body falling apart gradualy. lol, i know its mean spirited of me to bring up such a horrible thing like death on a site . but what the frig. lets get this party started, ive got wine in my system and techno playing so im a happy mother smegger. thats right, im going there. i love this site... and yes I ment to spell smegger........

Here's me wearing my buddy's Hat, he took me home in a 1967 something... sigh I forget what it is....sigh and that's bad because I love older cars.

I look silly but that's fine I"m not here to impress anyone....
You know lately I've been getting a lot of emails from old Haggs and haggertins who just want a piece of ass have there husbands watch or something like that

WTF... not happening

Listen I'm a nice person I can hang out with anyone and get along with people but I have to draw the line.... and if you keep it up I will eat your eyes it's that simple....

It's been some time since I wrote a drunk blog, and yes I want cookies it's my thing when I get drunk I want to eat cookies.. but I'm eating Peppermint Patties... yummy they are the best!!!

I'm case worker was drunk at the bar tonight
He wears Hawaiian shirts
I think he's the devil

enough of that... that's for another time I will tell you all about my case worker

I'm every where like a doll in a tornado

sometimes I feel I'm at a dead end street.....

2009-07-02T17:19:00.000-07:00

There will always be something to ruin our lives, it all depends on what or which finds us first. We are always ripe and ready to be taken.
Charles Bukowski

It's been some time since I've been truly happy in my life. I can sit here for hours and think and think and think and nothing comes to me.....

Now in all fairness yes I'm a very laughable person I smile as much as I can, my daughter makes me happy and my friends and family. But looking inward into myself I don't make myself happy.

I think this is important......

Every thing in my life I have lost, every Joy has been forgotten... My Painting my writing.... it's all gone. I can not even write the way I use too, almost poetic . It's all gone... I'm hollow

I've even lost the life of the party, that just months ago I was . The little NYC girl with the accent and the fiery personality to match, it's gone.... Why do I change so much. My morals stay my views yes... I"m still me... but it's almost like I'm changing a outfit .

Friends come and go with me all the time, so many have died or have vanished in society to never return. They've forgotten are times together . I'm always reaching out and no one is their.

I almost feel like the older I get the more layers of crap I get , the more walls I put up to surround myself ... but I'm so strong why is this?

These walls of mine are shallow, transparent if you must, I can slip by them but there's so many and I grow tired of running threw them... only to be disappointed again.

Maybe one day I can fully understand myself... one day I shall see

fuck the pain

2009-06-30T16:32:00.001-07:00

I'v never had so much pain in a small area before !! A little thing like a tooth could hurt so bad, I know there's fucking a bunch of nervous, but after ten years you think my tooth wouldn't hurt.

It all started when I was living in NYC... I miss it there so much....

but anyway I was coming out of the bar and with some female friends and we headed down the street the next bar was only about a block no point in getting a taxi.

We were Laughing and having a good old time when next thing I knew I was getting punched in the face. I don't mean a normal punch... I mean I felt like I was getting my head ripped off.... I know I passed out and I heard my friends screaming.

When I awoke, I was laying on the sidewalk and there were about 3 guys that I didn't know beating this huge beast of a man up. I was laying in a lap of my friend and some where a shirt came and was pressed up my nose.

Yup a broken nose, and in my friends hand was part of my tooth a moler ... damn him!!

I didn't know who this man was they said he was drunk really drunk and that he was complaining about a chick in the bar that he just came out of. I guess he thought I was her.

He hit me with his huge fist it broke my nose and broke my tooth in half.... sigh

now I get horrible pain every now and then,

Tooth pain is the worst kinda pain

A Social Whore......

2009-06-29T16:36:00.000-07:00

social whore
	the person who everyone is friends with, but who has no specific group of friends. This person will flit from group to group of people at a gathering and act like great buddies with all of them. despite their popular appearance, social whores are often left 'out of the loop' for the simple reason that everbody thinks they belong to somebody else.

I want to catch fireflies tonight....

Sometimes there has to be a moment in everyone's life that you don't want to spend talking to everyone. I want to spend it laughing and running threw a field . I would like to collapse in a heap because I laughed so hard....

I want to stare up at the stars and listen to the night sounds, and breath in the night smells. I don't want to spend it in a bar inhaling the smoke and stench of stale alcohol . I don't want to be filled with endless chatter of bar conversations. OR see the sad looks from people because Sperm donor is it around. or the fact that I will smoke one cigarette or looks from People who don't believe me.

There has to be more to life then what I'm living, a deeper meaning, I feel this town will suck my soul out. I feel that no one understands in this town. A town filled with shallow soul's and empty eyes..

There lives are so pointless that they looked into mine to consume there boring life. I hate that I"m a Social Whore I hate that I"m too honest , for this place. These People are empty

5 guys and red tongues

2009-06-29T09:53:00.000-07:00

I needed to feel alive, yesterday. I needed to get away from my normal humdrum life. Step back and look inward at myself. So what do you do when that happens....

You go to 5 guys burgers and fries....
yummy

Now is this burger not the best looking burger ever... my mouth is drooling just thinking about it, I hope everyone knows about 5 guys.... they have the best burgers and homemade fries...!!!!!

This is their wall of fame..... People leaving messages on how great they are.. I feel bad for anyone who has never eaten at a 5 Guys

I also ended going out last night and having a blast... I met up with a old friend and hung with my BFF's

Brian and I ( he never takes a bad picture, me I look so tired)

Kara and I

I had fun... I slept like a baby intill about ten this morning nothing really exciting happened but it was still fun

This is what I drank, Sheryl temples ,

but whenever i drink them this is what happens

I get a red tongue from the cherries, it makes me miss my Whiskey and cherries drink,

I love bunnies but hate you

2009-06-27T19:29:00.001-07:00

I love bunnies anything at all that has to do with bunnies, real one's, movies, artwork all that stuff

but you know what..... I hate you, I don't want to... I really don't but I can feel it... boiling up inside of me..... I thought I was going to be okay and I was just going to do this on my own.... but I can't I really can't.... I'm tired of being alone and i'm tired of your lies. I'm tired of people starring at me like I'm the freak here but your the one hiding . Your the one running !!!!! I'm the one that feels this pain I"m the one that still feels bad when all I want to do is hurt you !!!! I want to hurt you like you hurt me!!! I want you to feel what i'm feeling !!!! I want this to stop...

Why could you not have been truthful.. why could you not have been just fuck off heather in the beginning? I wish this could be a movie like a Lifetime special like there will be a hour of a struggle and you would come back with open arms and I would be forgiven and we would be great friends. Why is that so much to ask?

I want my life back!!!! I want to have my mind and my feelings back, bad things can't keep happening to me, you honestly cared for me you said it. ... Now I just want to destroy you!!!!! You hurt me..... You will never know never understand what you did to me. You met my child, you heard my secrets my fears and I heard yours. Why can't you realize , People arn't suppose to treat others like this. I've been threw this... I want a happy ending please I want it. I"m not asking for you to be in a relationship or marriage I want your friendship. i thought it was something special. I thought we had something special.....

Why are these always my lessons, what about yours.... Don't treat people like this... how can you live with yourself ? How ? how can you get up and look at yourself in the mirror? hOw can you live your life and know that a child will be born that's part of you and you are doing nothing but hurting someone.

Then how can People at the my bar be on your side and tell you that i"m a whore. That i'm looking for a father for my childern. that You should ask for a test to make sure it's yours.....or that i'm faking it. You lied, stolen drugs, and things.... you messed with my head and your ex's head but your soooo nice and everyone loves you!!!

You were cruel and hateful towards me , you told me I had no body, that noone thought good things on. I had no friends that were true..... You WON !!!! is it that good enough.... you won and made me feel horiable . You told me you weren't that guy... you weren't that person that you were always going to be there.... why did you have to lie....

Fuck me I was so honest and you just gave me shit.... I felt it we were to be good friends.... Why do I ruin it why do I destroy everything

Why?

now I know

2009-06-24T12:36:00.001-07:00

my body is complaining because it needs a smoke, I won't fall into the selfish needs of smoking, I quit completely though my doctor told me not to cut back intill I don't need them any more . I just don't know if that would happen.... I have a great need for smokes.....

I have it spoken to sperm donor since Monday, he walked out of my home with harsh words and me in tears with a promise that he won't be there for the baby.....

I guess it's good to know now.....

I feel like I'm just going threw the steps of life right now... that i'm just a shadow of my happy full of life self.

Sperm donor is so scared he is angry and he's grasping at straws, I'm not angry anymore not at him.

I"m sad....

I lost a friend in this, and no matter what he did messed up things, but there is a good side of him.....

I forgive him and I miss him...

I have my own fucked up issues in life, Sperm donor is use to having things go his way and I won't lean towards him so he's walking away.....

I lay awake alot since monday.... Just thinking..... trying to stay healthy, and calm, I'm thinking that I"m good at ruining lives, and of course of having men and women want me, not date me or marry me but want me...

I just have to stay strong yup that's what I have to do,

Currently watching:
Sunshine Cleaning
Release date: 2009-08-25

2009-06-22T14:42:00.001-07:00

There comes a time in everyone's life that you have to take a deep breath and stand tall. I wish I was ready for this, but I was it, all my bitching all my complaining did not ready me for what happen last night. I was clueless and I was really hurt. Though this is how my life will be or how it's ending up I guess, it helped in the way to open my eyes and know that I'm not that person that everyone respected....or adored...is that their fault no it's mine!

A man without ethics is a wild beast loosed upon this world.
Albert Camus

I agree with this......

Last night I got my ass handed to me by Sperm donor, he said some pretty shitty things, to me and the table's were turn, I was in a weird place that I did not like. It all just took me for a surprise.....

People were talking about me, saying horrible things about my character, I was called a Whore, a slut, I was told that People said I was faking the pregnancy ... and I was looking for a father for my childern ...

It hurt.....

I felt like I couldn't breath, I stood there stunned that he was telling me this stuff that people were saying, that he wanted to hurt me so much..... People told me things about him but I asked him about it never accusing just questioning, I caught him in lies, I talked to him as a person never yelling.....

He came and attacked me in my home bar everyone stopped and listened with there smiles and there cat like grins. I wanted to punch all of them .. My best friend left me because she was embarrassed she threw over her shoulder to Sperm donor that he needed to go somewhere else to talk about this......

Then after he left me in this whirl wind of new hating feelings he left... just left so I had to deal with the stare's..... How did my life get to be this Soap opera ish ? How?

I was the funny girl, with the witty accent and acid tongue now I'm known as the psycho whore. It hurt

On a happier note though I got a job today... I start on Thursday which I'm very happy about ......

Something looking up

between hell and life

2009-06-21T15:50:00.000-07:00

..It's about 6:oo pm and i'm still laying in bed. I have the fan blowing on me because I'm too lazy to get up and open the windows. I can tell there is a nice breeze outside. The birds chirp outside my window.

4 CANS of DR Pepper sit on my night stand beside me and bbq chips on the floor. This was my dinner and lunch and what the hell my breakfast. My legs ache almost a comfortable ache , at the rate I'm going my legs will be bowed and I'll be on complete bed rest. My viens hurt where those hellish nurses stabbed me with there needles, this time my legs couldn't reach them. My head is foggy and unclear as I sit here and write this. I only have a hour to clear my head and to get ready to go out.

I'm tired, will my days ever be filled with rest.....

I had great things to do today, a clean house would be nice and maybe some laundry would be great.... but no my day was filled with a night in the hospital and then nothing but bed.

Today I thought of the old day's when there was so many of us that were held together, now we are all seperated not really speaking, thrown across the world like leaves in the wind.

That makes me sad....

Religion makes me sad as well......

but it seems that Dr. Pepper makes me happy

Sperm donor told me that he couldn't compete with me, that though he does it want this child the fact that I would give my life for it, he can't say anything about that, I'm just better person then he is....

As Wallace Wattles said :

"The very best thing you can do for the whole wolrd is to make the most of yourself"

This statement is true, if you better yourself, then you can better the world....

I know that i'm prego but the fact that I still look the same except some small weight gain I'm not going to hide.....

for being only 5 feet 2 inches tall I have some pretty long legs, this is pointed out to me all the time.

sigh

I took a shower and cried, I'm going to blame it on being pregnant, because I don't understand it....

Sperm donor told me that he likes me more then a friend and that he cares for me deeply ..... but then he tells me he can do what he wants or who he wants because were not in a relationship......

I don't know what to do with that.....

He makes me insane.... I think he enjoys it...

A thought

2009-06-19T12:12:00.001-07:00

I think I'm prone to bouts of depression, though I have a magical laugh, and an obsessive love to bunny art. The world to me is a playground or yet it use to be.

The past 3 years have changed me.....

Funny how your friends point that out to you, as if I didn't know... " Really ?, I'm a different person?" I'm okay with changing, I'm okay with letting myself go threw the hardships of life to get where I need to go... It does hurt at times when people called you out on your problems or mistakes .

I think I'm starting a new phase in my life, and I'm realizing that there are some things I need to change about myself to become a better person. Sperm donor called me out and though we have our issues, and he's not perfect ( not even close) I need to step back and stop looking at what he is doing all the time. And know that Wow I'm fucking up as well.

I need to really be honest with myself and know that I have issues with abandonment to the point that I push people away and then when they had enough, I blame them for walking away. that's not fair.

Just like with sperm donor..... He made mistakes... he has I'm not forgetting about that but I told everyone that I could and know they are Judging him, and truthfully it's really no one's business. I wanted everyone to see my side of things, and stand by me. Our mutual friends are on my side, he has no one to speak to, they accuse him and gossip is spread... sigh it's a dirty mess that was my doing.

He told me that he does it even want to see me anymore because it stresses him out because he worries that I said something to someone or what friend is going to blame him for something. He blames me for everyone hating him.

I know this is confusing because my last blog was how we weren't talking anymore, A lot has happen and we had a ten hour conversation about every thing ... telling the truth ten hours.

I was lying to myself and not taking credit in are problems at all it was always Sperm donor's fault, though last night my feeling got really hurt by him I got the gist of what he meant. but it hurt to hear that he couldn't even come to his bar anymore because he didn't want to see me. That he never has a chance, his fate was all ready determined by my words.

He's right....

I need to back away and let him go threw what he needs to go threw, I've treated him like a yo yo back and forth back and forth. I'm not happy by this new found image of my self, it's going to take time for me to be that person I use to be... maybe I never will be but I need to be something that can stand tall and on her own.

it's my time to shine

2009-06-15T15:35:00.000-07:00

I don't know if I have ever told any of you, that I really hate Doctors. I have this great hatred toward them since as long as I could remember. I even hate nurses with there needles and heavy hands. Needles don't bother me it's the whole digging in my arm that I hate. I've kicked and hit nurses in their process of drawing blood from me, where they had to strap me down.

So I sat in the office with my paper gown on and waited for the doctor to come in and start the ultrasound. Are doctors offices so cheap that they have paper gowns now? I could have just left my shirt on and had a sheet covering my lower self.

Okay I'm getting off track here, sorry.....

Lets speed it up a little bit and talk about what I heard ... you know what I'm telling you here right, Yes... that's right a heart beat a strong kick ass heart beat that was not from me!!! my baby is still a live !!!!

I laid there confused... how can this be I was so sure of this that I lost the babe, Then my thoughts went of last night and I smoked like a addict and had some drinks that left me breathless and giggling I was it drunk but I was pretty damn close. How was this going to effect the baby.... Damit I was starting the mourning process...

SO WHY WAS I BLEEDING

because hormone levels go up and down because sometimes the liner of my uterus just let goes and comes out ..... he seemed unconcern really with it all, He also explained that at times a egg that is Fertilized won't drop when it should so implantation to the Uterus is later then normal so they think the sack is it developing as it should be......

Okay what ? I'm not new to motherhood I have had a child and other pregnancies ( though they ended in miscarries) He's words were to me " Some times things just happen, for no reason, they just happen" he ended it with a shrug , yup a shrug .

So I rush home and went on line and there's 100's of women like me that had this same thing, women who didn't know for weeks that they were still pregnant !!!!!

So Now what am I going to do ?

Well I'm Keeping the baby, and for Sperm donor.. well I'm not going to talk to him ever, I don't even want to see his face, I have another chance here, I've given him way to many and he was nothing but a disappointment...... I'm not telling him because he left me at the bar..... I can't have someone like that in my life or in my child's life.... To be that unfeeling to something that is half yours.... To not have any emotion there are people threw out time who had this ... they are called Psyco's killers and murders .

So know I'm really alone and that's okay...

He knows death to the bone - Man has created death.

2009-06-15T10:30:00.000-07:00

We were the last romantics - chose for theme
Traditional sanctity and loveliness.
William Butler Yeats

Children show scars like medals. Lovers use them as secrets to reveal. A scar is what happens when the word is made flesh.
Leonard Cohen

Madness is the absolute break with the work of art; it forms the constitutive moment of abolition, which dissolves in time the truth of the work of art.
Michel Foucault

I was burnt to a crisp yesterday, my skin is bright red, I was so tired I just fell asleep beside the pool and dreamt of a world so much better then my own.
which in truth is not very hard, This world is a evil beautiful place, hounded by cockroach's and other bugs of filth. I like to think that my little town is the breeding ground for these People.

In my dream I lived in a world filled with caring people, People who were honest and care free, People who would never beat you with there fists or words.... this world was filled with people who gave a shit what they said and did to you.....

I'm worried .... I have a feeling of willingness to feel, I thought it was shock for what went on this weekend but now I'm not so sure . I think I'm dead.... I don't feel anything....not a care in the world....

I know in my mind that this is not a good thing..... that I need to mourn the lost of this child, I need to go threw the emotions of what Sperm donor did to me for me to heal ..... right? i just don't have it in me, and I know I should be worried on that but I can't feel anything....