It has gotten to the point that I can not do a simple task without being on it. This is my monster, the demon inside of me that has taken complete control of me. I want to clean I pop one, I want to hang out with Friends I pop one... it's a cycle and I will find any excuse to take one. It started because I was so tired all the time, my monthly habit became weekly and then daily. Even now I feel that I can not be myself with out it. It gives you lots and lots of energy and it makes you talk about everything. I feel that I can't do anything without it.
I feel that I can't be truly me without taking it when I go out because at times I'm so shy and I feel like I can't relate to people around me. It makes me silly and I can drink like a fish. I hate myself on it. I hate that it has come to a pill to bring out me ...but yet it's not really me. Days will go by with lack of sleep because for me this is what it does, it keeps me up and I'm walking zombie, hating myself even more. Sometimes I get anxiety on it and I will cry about something that is not truly happening in my life. It's another one of my mask.. A soulless mask I feel that I can not do anything with out it!!
It makes me fun, yet I feel that I'm hiding inside of myself and I'm cringing , hearing myself laugh and being silly, drinks go down my throat and i find anyone that will speak to me. Anyone that will hear me, for once. When I don't have any my house falls into a black hole of mess and confusion ... hours of Netflick and internet . I hate this. I watch the carefree people and how they just seem to accept life as it is and they are always smiling and laughing, I shut myself deep inside, when I take the small pill something happens and I break free but it's still not me.
I hate this addiction