Tuesday, February 4, 2014

My addictions...

I am a mother that is addicted to addies. Adderall

It has gotten to the point that I can not do a simple task without being on it. This is my monster, the demon inside of me that has taken complete control of me. I want to clean I pop one, I want to hang out with Friends I pop one... it's a cycle and I will find any excuse to take one. It started because I was so tired all the time, my monthly habit became weekly and then daily. Even now I feel that I can not be myself with out it. It gives you lots and lots of energy and it makes you talk about everything. I feel that I can't do anything without it.

I feel that I can't be truly me without taking it when I go out because at times I'm so shy and I feel like I can't relate to people around me. It makes me silly and I can drink like a fish. I hate myself on it. I hate that it has come to a pill to bring out me ...but yet it's not really me. Days will go by with lack of sleep because for me this is what it does, it keeps me up and I'm walking zombie, hating myself even more. Sometimes I get anxiety on it and I will cry about something that is not truly happening in my life. It's another one of my mask.. A soulless mask I feel that I can not do anything with out it!!

It makes me fun, yet I feel that I'm hiding inside of myself and I'm cringing , hearing myself laugh and being silly, drinks go down my throat and i find anyone that will speak to me. Anyone that will hear me, for once. When I don't have any my house falls into a black hole of mess and confusion ... hours of Netflick and internet . I hate this. I watch the carefree people and how they just seem to accept life as it is and they are always smiling and laughing, I shut myself deep inside, when I take the small pill something happens and I break free but it's still not me.

I hate this addiction

Sunday, February 2, 2014

My Thoughts For February

It's February and I have not written in many months , today was the first day I missed it. Today might be the only day I write, I tried to set a schedule and in the end I got anxiety and my writing wasn't from the heart. I wrote about things that matter to me , yet I felt it was words that just filled the empty spaces.

Horoscope for this week:

December 22–January 19
Rewrite something. Reflect on sibling relationships. Look at your neighborhood with new eyes. Reexamine your ties to your environment and what community means to you. Reshuffle your habitual mindset, calling into question default modes of thinking. Mull over your communication style and how well it expresses your true thoughts. Reconsider your reactions to your own ideas. Ask yourself if you’re a good listener. Think about the filters that affect

Source: Free People Horoscopes by Tracy Allen, Week of Febraury 3-February 9 | Free People Blog http://blog.freepeople.com/2014/02/free-people-horoscopes-tracy-allen-week-febraury-3february-9/#ixzz2sBO5C8Xa


Reading: The winter Witch by Paula Brackston

When I have time to read, I'm really enjoying this book, beautifully written.

Listening to: I'm falling in love with Civil Wars all over again!! I have forgotten about them, forgotten about how wonderful this couple is with beautiful lyrics and amazing voices

Thinking about: Sadness in people. How they carry it in them for so long that it becomes ugly and feeds from their very soul, how they will do whatever they can just to feel something other then this ugly feeling. The girl that just wants acceptance from so many her words are so fake and rehearsed that people still don't want to hang around her because she's still so fake. The Nerdy boy that just can't any courage to speak so he sits and watches others just wanting to speak out and laugh with the crowd. It's so sad to me.

I have become very lazy these last 3 months, I have gained 9 pounds and most days I have stayed in bed and kept my excuses believable even to myself . Blaming any thing that I can yet never doing a thing to change it. This month I'm going to try to change this about myself