Friday, October 4, 2013

My Ahhhhhh Moment

The BOY : oops he did it again, hurt me and I played dumb and didn't think that I would go threw this again! why would I? why wouldn't someone that broke my heart twice not do it again!! I feel super stupid thinking that he would be changed and that my awesome personality would make him better and different and we would be so in love!! it hurts it hurts so bad and I'm going to be in pain for some time now but I think it's because of feeling stupid, there has to be someone out there someone I will love and love me so much and me him and we will cherish each other and be filled with so much love!! I know their will be. I deserve more then what Kyle gave me, a lot of times I wasn't even happy with him and I had to change to keep him into me. and really he was annoying and he was to cocky and he really wasn't that great looking, I do love him , yet maybe I only love him because I want some one to love, that could be it. and now I"m dealing with rejection and feeling unworthy because he doesn't want me. He doesn't know what he want! and I'm the one suffering even thought I don't think I really want him. maybe also my super sad depressed days were because of my period? maybe it heightened it? I have abandonment issues, he walked away with nothing without a word but a hurtful statement, if someone I didn't even really like say to me I would still be upset, because I care what people say to me about me. So okay Kyle left or took a break ;
lol but really I'm better then that, and I'm really am tired of wasting another life moment on someone that I have to explain my worthiness on, it's not worth it and it's done and I do feel better especially since I"m writing it all out dealing with how i feel. being honest and just going through the thought process of it all. I'm super strong and I'm super adorable and I have amazing funny personality I am extremely sweet. I look amazing at my age and you know what I can get a better body because I already had it. I've gotten lazy my fault and who knows it could have been depression because deep down I didn't want to be with kyle , it' was my soul  telling me screaming WTF are you doing. ya because I really do feel better so much alive and free and it's awesome . So Kyle doesn't want me eh okay catch a later and I will have moments will i will miss him and I'm going to remember that I am worthy of so much more and It's past issues that are stirring up and I am going to take deep breathe and remind myself of this moment when I had my break through because that's what life is about, right here right now. So Goodbye old lover Kyle, thank you for the lessons the joys, even the pain, I can't do it anymore and I'm really really excited about what is coming up next. with out you. Go me!!

Friendships: Asking a friend to meet up and get together so you can have a heart to heart and have them not even tell you yes and no or let me check your schedule is really a shitty thing and I'm not going to even give them a 2nd thought, I have been in allot of one sided relationships and yes most are my fault and I need to really see what is going on around me and be honest and take a deep breath and focus on what is going on. I have this habit of only seeing what I want , and either play the victim mode or the hero, and at times it depends if I'm moody or not.. Friendships should not be that way, even if I'm the only one in the whole area that thinks that! then so be it. I want a certain friendship and if I can't or don't feel like I have it then it's bye bye bye. I love everyone and I love being a friend, yet some people for whatever reason doesn't want my friendships and I have to be okay with that I really really have to. because it's going to seem fake, or wait it will be fake with them.

Today was a huge eye opener for me and with my writing. I spent the early afternoon hours talking and texting with my friends about the hardships and pain I was going through and I decided to just write and let it all out, and this is what I came up with. My AHHHHHHHH moment

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