Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Probably the most honest Post....

I can feel her deep down inside of me, scratching my insides making them a bloody mess. Her strength is unbelievable at times, even though I use it when I can. I like to picture her a raging lunatic, her hair a mess and her pale skin is stretched tightly across her hollow bones. Bones arn't Hollow , yet that's how I picture her. She probably would be like this. I have hidden her away for so long. Almost 10 years, She was cracked, or she got cracked, and I thought I was tucking her away to keep her safe, from being hurt. She didn't like it.

Slowly I have been rereading my past, new things have been popping up and I have sadly forgotten...

I remember being 7 a lanky child standing in the sand, excitement holding my shovel and bucket, we were going treasure hunting they say. 100 years earlier a ship crashed on the shores. My excitement was I wanted to find a human bone. I wanted to dig up a forgotten person, because even then I knew things got forgotten.

I lost my excitement that day, because I was told it was morbid, my cousins called me a freak and I cried by myself and refused to go. All I wanted was to find a human bone. I was weird and that has always stayed with me.....

I was always different, never better, Just different by people who were always around me.

I must stop saying "I" when I speak of the past, because it truly was not me, You see it was her the one that I have kept hidden, is or was there two of me? No No of course not, I have just hidden that part of me, that part of me that has found joy in things, things that I do not give another thought of, till NOW...

Some things of her I can not keep hidden. Like, Liking  the smell Of old books, classical music, the Joy of singing. I still love the beauty of old things, and abandon building or home that once was filled with horrors or love, it didn't matter to me, I always wondered who has walked these halls or who has ran their fingers through the same books I have in my hands..

I miss her Joy of finding the simplest things in Life amazing , I lost that when I hid her because she loves death and things of dark. I use to love to walk threw the old graves and I would make tragic stories of the people that were forgotten, buried so long ago.

Everyone has a opinion, I was that person that they loved to drop it on and guess what I got tired..People always questioned me, People always whispered FREAK, yet i always hear it. Those stares...they have always haunted me.

I always had to explain who I was, and most the times I didn't have the correct answer on why I like or say or do the things that I did... I always thought it was just me Or her... but everyone always wants a reason. You shouldn't do this,think this, say this, that's rude, it's time to be adult, ect ect ect every day I have heard this and finally I was tired of being forgotten and Laughed at pointed at and called a freak..I got tired

Keeping her deep down inside of me though is tiring isn't that funny, I'm always tired...........always
People leave me because they say I am not being real, yet when I was they still left me....

She wants to come out and I have such a calling to let that part of me out

I control her with little pills, some whiskey and destroying of myself... I never cared about drugs, One time the first time I hid her, with drugs because I was the weirdo that wouldn't stick coke up my nose, because I didn't want to drink before I want on stage, because I had the self esteem, because I THRIVED when I sang... and now I can't even get up on stage anymore my fear, my connection with singing and drugs. I was the freak that loved walking up on there and have everyone watch me. I could fill my pores with whiskey and my nose with coke now and I still can not step on a stage anymore. Peoples insecurity became my destruction in my real self...

Yes that is it PEOPLE"S INSECURITY has let me not feel comfortable with myself...so I got tired

It was suppose to be better! It was suppose to be all better!!

It wasn't it isn't....I'm missing this huge part of myself,

and I'm still tired.....

so

tired....

and she just wants to come out... that real part of me wants to come out

** more in a later post**

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