Monday, September 30, 2013

My Job and How It sucks the life out of me

Sometimes you get stuck, stuck in a place that you never wanted to be in. You think "How the Hell did I get here?"

I work in a bar that has passed it's prime in life, the locals keep coming, because it's in walking distance and they dwell on the old memories of when the place was newer and shined. Bursting with People and the drugs and drinks ran freely. Now a lot of these People are just husk of what they use to be, like the bar I work in a shell of old memories.

I'm good at what I do, 22 years of serving and bar-tending this will happen. I hate the owner of the bar. Strong statement, because you should never hate anyone. I hate him.

I'm never going to be good enough, the owner ( we will call him Mr. Dbag) won't even acknowledge my presence.

Mr.Dbag's list of what he's done

-Called me stupid
-Threatened to choke me
- blames me for everything that goes wrong ( he does this with everyone)
- Called me a bitch
- said I was a bully
- blamed me for a server walking out ( I wasn't even working or there) the girl messaged me and said I was super sweet to her and she thanked me for being nice
- written me up for stupid things ( left a a spoon in a dressing just for example)
- accused me of not doing anything because I stopped scrubbing the walls to say Hi to a customer.


I could keep going, and I'm going to be honest and say I have my lazy days at work and I have gotten in trouble for things that I did do wrong and I can accept that. Now Now I'm just tired of it all. I watch as my coworkers suck up to him. Even one of them flirts and it makes me gag. I worked extra shifts I have the biggest sales, I'm always picking up the slack and still I get the crappy shifts and blamed for it all.

Why am I still there? Why ? because that's what I"m use to. I hate that statement , This is why I'm taking the time to work on me, and figure out why? why I have such a need to put myself in shitty situations. Why I put up with it. When a drunk asshole is being touchy I put him in his place, when a person is using me I tell them off and walk away from them. Yet when it comes to my Job I keep putting up with stuff!

I think I have to take a step and maybe put applications out and least try to get out of there, Sometimes before I go to work I just cry and mentally prepare myself to be bullied .....

IT's sad and it makes me angry... I'm just tired, and it sucks the life out of me...but I will keep going and plaster a smile on my face

October is almost here...and other things


I am super excited about October, it's really one of my favorite month's♥ The beginning of each month I always sit and write down a new To-do list or Goal list for that month. It can be something as simple as: Read 5 books, Cook 4 new meals work on self love♥ I only have one goal so far for October and that's Write 750 words a day. There's this great site 750words.com ,I make my pumpkin coffee or some hot tea, turn on some Indie music or new age, and I sit in front of the computer and I just type. I get everything out, You can write more then 750 (which I normally do) and the great thing is at the end it shows you how you are feeling, with pie charts and graphs , so check it out!!

This weekend I had Saturday off, working at a bar weekends are a must to work, so when you get off on a Saturday you live it up!!! Well I lived it up! A little to much and boy did it kick my ass. Sunday morning and the whole afternoon I dealt with a nasty hang over before I headed in to work.


While I felt like poop, that same conversation rolled around my tongue and head, Why do I drink? or I'm never going to drink again, but I knew it was a lie. It made me think about my night and how I laughed with my friends and the staff, but I knew deep down it was so fake and it was from drinking. It wasn't real me, I know that a lot of times I don't know who I am and being 35 well it's super sad.

Even now I'm still feeling the effects of Saturday night.

Leaving you all with this


I can't stop laughing

hugs and kisses
XOXO

Friday, September 27, 2013

Things I Love Thursday♥ ( Just a day Late)


I know I know everyone and their mother has a post like this, I'm just keeping up with traditions! and we all know it's my favorite season

♥ I love the way the nights start getting chilly and you can smell the fireplaces
♥Apple cider drinks, with or without whiskey in it
♥cooking up fall dishes, lots of Crock Pot meals with Squash and Pumpkin
♥The beautiful Colors and smells
♥Anything Pumpkin Spice. Drinks, Muffins.....
♥Warm sweaters and Leggings
♥Dark Nail Polish
♥snuggling up in bed
♥the city smells and Lights
♥Oh and Hockey 
Photo's I love♥
                                                                  I have a huge thing for Owls
                                                            Sweaters and Hot coco
                                                                    This is super cute!
Video I can't stop Laughing at LOL

Well that's it for now♥ Sorry it was late
Hugs and Kisses♥
Heather

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Currently and Things I love

We all Know that being Positive does not come easily to me. I have to work hard at it and really watch how I feel and say and well think as well. This is because I'm always looking and thinking of the bad in life.

I'm going to start thinking of more good things in Life, On thursday I post things I love online, but now I'm going to post things I love in my life
                                                                  #1 Kitties always make me smile

                                                                         #2 Pencil art
                                                                     #3 lots and lots of books
                                                        #4 Autumn and reading outside
                                             
                                                #5 Drinking coffee in the early morning

                                                             #6 Owls
                                                                        #7 Tattooed Men 
                                                           
                                                                   #8 Good Movies
                                                                                 #9 Writing down all my thoughts♥
                                                    #10 My own recipe for Pumpkin spice coffee

Currently: 

Obsessing over: Movies and T.V. shows! I can't get enough of Netflick. I have already watched 95 streaming videos. My favorite is Gossip Girl right now I spend my early mornings or late evening watching this awesome show

Working on : Getting my body back into shape! When depression settled in so did my drive to workout die,in my head I would make these excuses that sounded legit as to why I could eat this or sit on my ass♥

Thinking about: Being enlighten or embracing my spirituality.. I have this huge calling to finally let go of so many things and move on♥

 Anticipating: This Monday trip to Philly to see the boy, We struggled for months, back and forth and now that his schooling is over and he's more relaxed his the boy that I fell for. I love philly, the food the night life, being with him♥♥

Listening too: So many different Kinds of music, my tastes have leaned towards Indie almost and I'm having fun, discovery new music♥

Wishing: Just that my nose would stop running... I've had this cold sickness forever now and I'm over it


How about YOU what are you doing today?

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Truthful Tuesday: And so it begins ♥

That's Right YES YOU CAN

I awoke today with this weird, happy energized feeling, and it was so foreign to me, but I'm loving it. Everything seems to put in perspective and I know what I have to do to continue to get what I want out of this life.

1.Losing 7 pounds: A couple of months ago I was someone that would wake up and go running I would work my core and eat nothing but clean food. Now? Now I'm someone that gets up to grab the chip bag and drink my days away  . I forgot about this website I joined and I really Love Tone It Up Join this site it's super Inspiring and they motivate you, if you want check them on Instagram  as well , using the hashtag #TIU and while your at it check my Instagram out HeathLoves_Life

2. My Joy of Reading: I have a great love of books, Self-help books and Spiritual books and really anything I can get my hands on, The smell, the feel of the pages I love them!!♥ my recent depression I couldn't even pick one up! today though I'm going to start reading


3. and Cleaning: Getting my house back in order and starting to organize and throw stuff away. It's time to Join society again and just live . I've always enjoyed a really clean home, Hate the cleaning part but I loved sitting down with a glass of wine and looking around with appreciating the fact that I did this♥

Really I'm over sitting around and letting life pass me by, I need to get moving , I need to make something of myself . I am extremely lucky and Grateful for things I have in my life. I shouldn't waste them away. All of my gifts and idea, mean something. It's not going to be easy, I will probably slip up here and there but I'm going to keep going and get my Mind,body and spirit back to shape♥

hugs and Kisses
Heather

Monday, September 23, 2013

Motivational Monday : thoughts and Feelings


Going through Pinterest, this quote just popped out at me... I knew it was for me. I have always taken everything so personally . As if everyone and their Mother was attacking me. Almost like People would spend their mornings planning my own destruction. I have realized that I keep that drama going on. I put more power in it , actually I give away my power to people, and then I become the victim again. A role that I hate but Love at the same time. Of course this a Journey and it's my Journey and I am learning ♥

Saturday, September 21, 2013

High's and Low's and other madness....


I came across this awesome idea on one of my favorite blogs I read SKUNKBOY What's your High and Low's for the day. I think this is a awesome idea♥ So lets start

High's: Going into work with a awesome attitude and staying busy, doing things that needed accomplished, staying on top of all my tables and still doing extra cleaning work

Low's: finding out I wasn't invited to a camping trip when pretty much every one of my coworkers were ,not going to lie, it hurt and when I get hurt I lash out and hurt others, I cringe when this happens and my mouth goes off and I start the shit talking : ( 

Not my proudest moment...

Today in the little town I work in is the Wine walk, a whole bunch of mostly middle aged women carry wine glasses around and demand local business's to fill them up for free while the sorta listen to the history of the town.... I always have to work. and boy today I'm working 14 hours straight, why? because of a lot of my coworkers went on a camping trip that I was not invited to.

I really didn't want this blog to be a bitch fest, I wanted this blog to help me grow as a human being. I wanted to learn to let things go, and learn to move on. I feel I'm getting worst every day with my anger and I'm going to blow up, and it's going to be a scary thing. I face it, I ignore it and nothing is making it better, I've been completely honest with it, and still I feel like I'm getting ass fucked, my body aches, my drinking is getting out of control and I can't feel joy.

Pretty much out of idea's
So what do you all do to let the anger go?

hugs and Kisses 
XOXO

Thursday, September 19, 2013

Things I love Thursday's ♥ #3


Can we say AWE how cute is this! Actually this is how I feel this morning, it's probably because I'm heading into work tonight. So once I get this post done back to bed to catch up on some sleep!

Links that I love♥

21 Pictures That will Restore your faith in humanity ♥ This Pumpkin Spice Latte ♥ I can't wait to do this How to make mason Jar Herb garden! ♥ 7 Cardinal Rules of Life ♥

                                                                                    This outfit

Grateful For 
♥Purple nails
♥ early morning Coffee
♥ finally getting internet
♥ Working hard towards my goals
♥ Good night Sleep


                                                                                      Love the song, just not the video♥

Hugs and Kisses
XOXO

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Currently #3

I love how fall brings crisp morning and makes me more Grateful for amazing cup of coffee to start my day♥ I am completely in love with this picture!♥ Today is my last day off and I'm enjoying the sunshine ♥ So glad I awoke and worked out, it helps to get me going. I love Autumn ♥

Watching: I've been Watching Bob's Burgers which is very funny and I've also been watching Medium. I just got Netflicks and I'm loving all the Tv shows I get to watch. this morning I did watch Jem and the Holograms♥

Excited About: Seeing the boy in my life, we never get to spend a lot of time together because Of our schedules but some how it seems to work out for the best , and I never feel like I"m missing anything. I will write a post about him soon♥

Loving : as I stated earlier I love Fall!! it's really where I shine and the colors are amazing and I'm super happy and I love the foods and the hot beverages anything pumpkin and this is the time I do my hiking♥

   I also love this video


Oh and check out this website 7 books that will Violently shift your Perspective

Well that's it for now
Hugs and Kisses
XOXO

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

truthful Tuesday#2

Cracking a smile was easy for her, she could even make her eyes shine brightly like there was something magical deep down inside of her, maybe there was but most times no one cared to get to know her or she could never brake through the chipped ice that surrounded her. She always knew she was different.

Something Seethed deep down inside of her, begging to come out, begging to show themselves, she was trained so very well in keeping it hidden. The snickers of Society and The Jealousy of mindless puss bags. They peeled her soul cackling as they did it. They couldn't take blame for their own failures in life, it was always her fault. She kept going her head held high, somewhere, somewhere she lost the fight, and like a slow death she became like them.

Cracked and Unhinged

A spark was still inside of her and she tried to make sense of it. Instead of feeding it whiskey and pills she would treat the spark like her favorite pet. Being Kind and Loving letting it grow. Then the Plaque of Society would storm in and all was lost again.....

Not being my real self is something for about 3-4 years I have struggled with, I'm not sure when the moment happened that  I stopped being me. I think it was just being tired and not caring anymore. Maybe I am one of those women with Daddy issues and I've already been honest about my Victim mode I put myself in.

This is why I restarted this blog, maybe if I wrote and made it public and bare myself to this world I could become clean, and let this falseness go. Maybe

Or Maybe

I should let the self help books go and just listen to myself and follow threw with want my mind and body is saying to me

Maybe I should give a big Fuck you to the world and just be me, stop caring and letting people control me. I still tell people the lies of how I use to be, I still try to sell myself  as the shadow of my old self.... I just have to hold on to hope that one day she will be back. Be Kind and listen

Hugs and Kisses
XOXO 

Monday, September 16, 2013

Weekend and my thoughts♥

My thoughts :

This photo is Perfect for and what I'm going through in life. I am so worried about what everyone else is doing I have lost myself in this process. I am always losing myself in something. I think about others and their lives and I find myself comparing myself to them. This is why Social Media can be a bad thing. We see all these photos of others on Facebook, Instagram and even twitter and start comparing ourselves to them

It’s not a comparison that makes sense. You can’t compare apples to apples when you compare yourself to anyone else. Which means it’s a dumb comparison — why would you compare how tangy an orange is compared to a beach? They’re not similar things.
I love this Quote, and I have to remember that I just need to focus on myself, because in my life I am  the most important thing.  Of course this is easier said then done. It's something I have to work on and I really believe that self-love and being Grateful will help in this♥

                                                                                        Gotta love me some Fiona

This weekend was filled with work, crazy conversation and reflecting on myself and others. I'm super hard on myself which I believe I have said in past posts, Because of this I am very Judgmental towards others. Of course it's something I'm not proud of No One has the right to Judge any thing in this world.

This week I have crazy amount of things to get accomplish, and I'm going to nail my ass down and get it all done!! 

Hopefully I will get this blog underway and stop with the BS posts and write how I use to, it's a Journey to myself...

hugs and Kisses 

Thursday, September 12, 2013

Things I Love Thursday♥

It's another Things I love Thursday!! I just Love this Picture, Kisses for Kitties ♥ Today I'm having such a Hard time waking up, I don't wanna go to Work tonight : ( Any way lets do this Things I found on the Net that I'm loving ♥

                                                                             ♥Food I'm Loving
                                                                           Link
                                                       
                                                                        ♥I want these so bad♥

♥ interesting read on finding Giant's in America  you can read it HEREHow to Make a Mason Jar Herb Garden ♥ Interesting read on Children Mugshots from the 1800's read it Here ♥7 spiritual Laws of Success ♥ 15 things You should give up to be happy read it Here ♥

                                                                           Amazing Song Love Her♥

                                                                 So excited for this show to start back up♥

Well that's it! Have a great day Hugs and Kisses ♥

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

currently #2


I miss the beach, I love the peacefulness there

Feeling: That there's something better out there for me! I am anxious and a little frustrated that things aren't working out the way I thought they would. I'm taking deep breaths and reflecting over things Instead of Screaming and freaking out, SO I am moving forward and I'm actually dealing with my feelings rather then getting more angry because I'm not happy or bubbly

Listening toMonsters by Anna Scouten Inspired by the female folk pioneers of the '60s, today's female folk artists pay homage while moving the genre in bold new directions. From powerful folk-rock romps to delicate love ballads, these songs are carefully constructed, melodic, and thoughtful. Very pretty music and I'm loving it!!♥♥

Reading : Roses and Bones by Francesca Lia Block. Wow, it's so beautifully written with the story-line  Myths that she use. I've always been this huge fan of her! you can find her books in Young adult yet I don't think it's just for Teenagers, breathtaking!!

Thinking About : I've been thinking about Relationships, friendships and How they are so very important to me. When I don't feel satisfied in them, and the steps I need to do to not feel so shitty about them. I have huge expectations, I guess at time that can be a bad thing. So I always question if this relationship is right for me. Am I sticking around a toxic relationship? is this Healthy for me?  All things I need to think about.♥

Eating: I was Loving this Fall weather that seemed to have hit my town, but today the heat came back and it's like 93 outside, ugh come on Fall!! I'm nibbling on some chili pretending the leaves are changing colors outside♥

Looking Forward To: Tomorrow start my long 4 day work schedule and let me tell you I'm super excited about it! I'm working 10-12 hour shifts and I'm loving it because of the money. When you get your funds from tips, you get excited about working!!♥

Making me Happy : Writing this blog, I am finally doing the things I love again. Letting myself come out and play again. The real me, I'm not hiding as much anymore and I"m opening my heart up, and Healing from the things in my life that have hurt me

                        I love this Women!!!





Hugs and Kisses XOXO

What Do I love about myself♥

                                     I got this idea From Gala Darling who I adore♥ find her here

The arches of my feet♥ my brown eyes ♥ my really long hair ♥ the color of hair ♥ my freckles, so cute ♥ my laugh! ♥ my big freaking smile ♥ my compassion ♥ my understanding of people♥ how driven I am ♥ staying positive ♥ my singing voice ♥ I can make people laugh ♥ my humor ♥ my tattoos ♥ I love my small breast ♥ my appreciation ♥ love my legs ♥ hard finger nails ♥ up for adventure ♥ willing to learn new things ♥ never gives up ♥ forgiving ♥ loves to listen to people ♥ Goofy ♥ gives good advice ♥ Spiritual of the Universe ♥ Accountable for my actions ♥ completely honest with People ♥ believe in individuality ♥ Love my views of Earth ♥ respect all animals and people ♥ take charge of my life ♥ open my heart again ♥ being a mother ♥Take a chance in life ♥ Keep going ♥ Loyal to my true friends ♥ Good worker ♥ sincere ♥ helping people ♥speak from the heart ♥ Value love ♥ trying to not give up ♥Sensitive ♥ working on myself ♥ my strength ♥ I learned from my mistakes ♥ make awesome cup of coffee ♥ I'm a great cook ♥

Didn't get to 100, but I feel really good with what I have so far ♥♥  

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Truthful Tuesday's #1 : Being Jealous of a addict

Every Tuesday I will have one Post that is completely honest in how I'm feeling♥ So here it goes being Jealous of a Addict

It's a ugly feeling Jealousy, it makes you think horrible thoughts, and all it does is make you feel worse about yourself. So lets see if I can nip it in the bud finally and move on from it.

To watch people care about a addict that has Lied to them over and over again,it's really gross to me! I keep hearing how they want to show the addict they care and they worry for them. Me I just want them out of my life and stop renting space in my head. I feel lost knowing I feel this way. It's ugly feeling. We should not fill our time talking about what the addict is doing ( even I do this) we are like cows in a pasture chewing over whatever info we hear. forgetting that they abandoned and Lied so much . We gasp, we call them delusional as they call us crazy because they can not admit to themselves they have a problem.

Maybe I'm upset because I warned them all about the addict, and they didn't listen, yet in a weird way they were my addiction. I wanted to know who they were with, what they were doing. If my friends spent more time with them. It was a gross sickness. I was felt that everyone thought she was better then me. I think I still feel that, why so much attention to someone who has hurt them? Because of excitement? because of Drama? do we try to understand how they could be so delusional? I don't know the answers to these questions yet, i know I will.

I think I feel so unappreciated because I stuck around, I warned them, I was right, and still they keep making it about the addict. I have to understand that People feel betrayed and they have to deal with it and like me they want to understand it.

I just want to stop feeling this way..So how?

Confront my feelings? I think I have, I'm angry and hurt, that you pulled a fast one over everyone, I warned people and you made it seem like I was the crazy one. You lied to my face, You slept with my ex boyfriend , You never had time for me, but you always called me your best friend...You told me you understood me, and it was a lied and I told you so much and you said you would always stand by me and you didn't. My friends always wanted the dirt on you and I just got angry, but you were MY addiction. I couldn't stop talking to you, because when we were together you and I were awesome. All I wanted was a friend like you ( when you were around me) and it was fake. So I feel stupid and I"m jealous because no matter what, you could never do any wrong


   
Taken From Gala Darling Jealousy Is the Killer of girl love
One thing that can be useful is to grab a pen & paper & write down the exact reasons why you’re jealous of this girl or that one. Be really honest. Even if the reason is something totally shallow like, “Her thighs don’t touch & mine do”. Put it down. THEN, & here’s the key, look at that thing & work out why you place so much value on it. Think about your life & where this belief that that particular thing is important came from. If you don’t like Meredith because she gets attention from guys wherever she goes, work out why you feel like you need that. Did you always want love you never got from your father or some other male role model? Consider these things & process them. Often when you dissect it down to the bare bones, you’ll realise that it’s actually kind of a nothing reason, just something you have an emotional attachment to or involvement with. Knowing yourself is important — it’s powerful. You can then take that information & let go of it however you want: meditation, EFT, rituals, or just deciding that it doesn’t serve you any more & letting it go.
When you’re happy with who you are & you feel a lot of love in your everyday life, which, by the way — if it isn’t a reality for you already — is totally possible & achievable, it’s much easier to turn those little snarls of jealousy into something positive. For example, I used to feel really threatened by beautiful girls, & sometimes I still am. I have a teeny tiny freak-out in my head, like, “Man, if I’m standing around with them, I am totally going to be the ugly friend...”, but then I take a deep breath, & I let it go. I spin it around, & remember how much I love them as people, how much fun it is to look at them across a table, & what great additions they make to photo

There it is, my truth and I'm not saying it's a right thing to feel , and believe me I truly need to stop this and move on, because I deserve to be happy and stop being jealous of a addict

Amazing Women in History

Amazing Women in History
Gisella Perl,a successful Jewish gynaecologist in Romania in the 1930s and 40s.She was taken to Auschwitz in 1944,where she treated women with kindness and compassion.She was asked to report all pregnant women to Josef Mengele- better known as the Angel of Death.When she discovered what was done to them (medical experimentation and torture,ending with often being thrown alive into the crematoriums)she vowed that there would never again be a pregnant woman in Aschwitz.So she began the abortions.

Finding some pretty fascinating things online today.. Learning so much about Amazing Woman in History 

Probably the most honest Post....

I can feel her deep down inside of me, scratching my insides making them a bloody mess. Her strength is unbelievable at times, even though I use it when I can. I like to picture her a raging lunatic, her hair a mess and her pale skin is stretched tightly across her hollow bones. Bones arn't Hollow , yet that's how I picture her. She probably would be like this. I have hidden her away for so long. Almost 10 years, She was cracked, or she got cracked, and I thought I was tucking her away to keep her safe, from being hurt. She didn't like it.

Slowly I have been rereading my past, new things have been popping up and I have sadly forgotten...

I remember being 7 a lanky child standing in the sand, excitement holding my shovel and bucket, we were going treasure hunting they say. 100 years earlier a ship crashed on the shores. My excitement was I wanted to find a human bone. I wanted to dig up a forgotten person, because even then I knew things got forgotten.

I lost my excitement that day, because I was told it was morbid, my cousins called me a freak and I cried by myself and refused to go. All I wanted was to find a human bone. I was weird and that has always stayed with me.....

I was always different, never better, Just different by people who were always around me.

I must stop saying "I" when I speak of the past, because it truly was not me, You see it was her the one that I have kept hidden, is or was there two of me? No No of course not, I have just hidden that part of me, that part of me that has found joy in things, things that I do not give another thought of, till NOW...

Some things of her I can not keep hidden. Like, Liking  the smell Of old books, classical music, the Joy of singing. I still love the beauty of old things, and abandon building or home that once was filled with horrors or love, it didn't matter to me, I always wondered who has walked these halls or who has ran their fingers through the same books I have in my hands..

I miss her Joy of finding the simplest things in Life amazing , I lost that when I hid her because she loves death and things of dark. I use to love to walk threw the old graves and I would make tragic stories of the people that were forgotten, buried so long ago.

Everyone has a opinion, I was that person that they loved to drop it on and guess what I got tired..People always questioned me, People always whispered FREAK, yet i always hear it. Those stares...they have always haunted me.

I always had to explain who I was, and most the times I didn't have the correct answer on why I like or say or do the things that I did... I always thought it was just me Or her... but everyone always wants a reason. You shouldn't do this,think this, say this, that's rude, it's time to be adult, ect ect ect every day I have heard this and finally I was tired of being forgotten and Laughed at pointed at and called a freak..I got tired

Keeping her deep down inside of me though is tiring isn't that funny, I'm always tired...........always
People leave me because they say I am not being real, yet when I was they still left me....

She wants to come out and I have such a calling to let that part of me out

I control her with little pills, some whiskey and destroying of myself... I never cared about drugs, One time the first time I hid her, with drugs because I was the weirdo that wouldn't stick coke up my nose, because I didn't want to drink before I want on stage, because I had the self esteem, because I THRIVED when I sang... and now I can't even get up on stage anymore my fear, my connection with singing and drugs. I was the freak that loved walking up on there and have everyone watch me. I could fill my pores with whiskey and my nose with coke now and I still can not step on a stage anymore. Peoples insecurity became my destruction in my real self...

Yes that is it PEOPLE"S INSECURITY has let me not feel comfortable with myself...so I got tired

It was suppose to be better! It was suppose to be all better!!

It wasn't it isn't....I'm missing this huge part of myself,

and I'm still tired.....

so

tired....

and she just wants to come out... that real part of me wants to come out

** more in a later post**

Monday, September 9, 2013

Monday's Dinner

Today I'm making a new Dish: Garam Masala Chicken Stew with Peas and Potatoes

ingredients
  • Nonstick cooking spray
  • 6largeskinless, boneless chicken thighs (about 1 1/2 pounds)
  • 12ounces red potatoes, cut into 1/2-inch cubes (4 small or 2 medium)
  • 1mediumonion, thinly sliced
  • 1 1/2teaspoons grated fresh ginger
  • 2clovesgarlic, minced
  • 1/2teaspoon salt
  • 1/2teaspoon ground black pepper
  • 114 1/2ounce canreduced-sodium chicken broth
  • 18 ounce canno-salt-added tomato sauce
  • 1cup frozen peas
  • 1/2cup plain fat-free yogurt
  • 2teaspoons garam masala
directions
1.Lightly coat a large skillet with cooking spray. Heat skillet over medium-high heat. Add chicken thighs, meaty sides down; cook about 6 minutes or until brown on both sides, turning once.
2.In a 3 1/2- or 4-quart slow cooker combine potatoes, onion, ginger, and garlic. Top with chicken. Sprinkle with salt and pepper. Pour broth and tomato sauce over all.
3.Cover and cook on low-heat setting for 5 1/2 hours or on high-heat setting for 2 3/4 hours.
4.If using low-heat setting, turn cooker to high-heat setting. Stir in peas, yogurt, and garam masala. Cover and cook for 15 minutes more.
nutrition facts (Fragrant Garam Masala Chicken Stew with Peas and Potatoes )
  • Servings Per Recipe 6,
  •  
  • cal. (kcal) 239,
  •  
  • Fat, total (g) 5,
  •  
  • chol. (mg) 95,
  •  
  • sat. fat (g) 1,
  •  
  • carb. (g) 20,
  •  
  • Monosaturated fat (g) 1,
  •  
  • Polyunsaturated fat (g) 1,
  •  
  • fiber (g) 4,
  •  
  • sugar (g) 7,
  •  
  • pro. (g) 28,
  •  
  • vit. A (IU) 729,
  •  
  • vit. C (mg) 13,
  •  
  • Thiamin (mg) 0,
  •  
  • Riboflavin (mg) 0,
  •  
  • Niacin (mg) 9,
  • Pyridoxine (Vit. B6) (mg) 1,
  •  
  • Folate (µg) 40,
  •  
  • Cobalamin (Vit. B12) (µg) 1,
  •  
  • sodium (mg) 510,
  • Potassium (mg) 653,
  •  
  • calcium (mg) 71,
  •  
  • iron (mg) 2,
  •  
  • Percent Daily Values are based on a 2,000 calorie diet

Sunday, September 8, 2013

What am I doing now?


What am I feeling? 
This is a question that at times is very hard for me to answer, only because it's very hard for me to open up to people. It's been a hard, crazy, fun and interesting week. Today starts a new one.. I learned that I need to keep turning that victim switch off, Sometimes it doesn't matter what I do, in some people's eyes I'm never going to be good enough, I have grown past some people in my life, yet I keep clinging to them because I don't like change and at times I can be extremely selfish.

sometimes life doesn't make sense... and I have to keep going and fighting, I just don't know for what yet.♥

Hugs and Kisses XOXO

Saturday, September 7, 2013

Happiness and a running nose.....

I sit here, with a tissue shoved up my nose, wishing that it would just stop. I'm such a baby when I'm sick. I become whiny and pouting becoming totally different person. I walk around dragging my feet. I'm like a zombie with my moans and sniffles. As always I never really know where these posts are going to lead too.

Complaining has become a habit for me. So how do I stop? I have to pay attention more to myself. How is my inner dialog? what am I giving energy to? I need to pause and remember what is good. I try to not to be to serious I would rather laugh at things.

I try to be more grateful for things in my life, small or big. You may think it's bullshit, that you can change the way you feel when your grateful, but sugars it's true. Make sure you really feel it! that you truly feel grateful.

I try to tip the scale towards Positive thoughts, at times though Negative thoughts consume me, don't get frustrated or angry, just let it go, and move on.

I think you should always ask yourself.. What should I do now to make my life better? Having a happy life is super important .Always surround yourself with things that make you happy. Life always gives you what you need. Things happen for a reason, and it's okay to get upset at things.

Side note: Last night I went out and forgot to bring my phone! I have never done that before, and it was strange to me , I would search for the phone in my purse, wanting to take a picture or send a text and I would remember I didn't have it. So then I realized oops I have a obsession with my phone..

Let go of the story you told yourself for such a long time..lol I'm rambling going back and forth..Sorry, Maybe I should just post this and then go back later after I rest, or after work..

Hugs and Kisses XOXO

Friday, September 6, 2013

Currently,Loves, and it's Fine....

                                                      ( not sure who did this, but beautiful)

THINGS I'M LOVING: Lavender Iced CoffeeA Love Note...,33 abandon places,


  1. Every man dies, but not every man truly lives. — William Wallace
                                                           This Quote
Currently

Reading: right now my night stand is filled with 3 different books, I can't seem to choose which one I really want to read, I even have books on my Kindle that I'm going through lol

Eating: I've been on this avocado kick lately, with tomatoes and onions drizzles with Balsamic dressing, Yummy

Listening to: The Merkin Jerk by Javelin, some chillwave  glo-fi music great beat and intresting

Thinking about: Lately I came to the conclusion that no matter what I do at my job, it's never going to be good enough.I am never going to be told I do a good job,A simple thank you, or anything. I will be judged for things I have not done or things I didn't do right, I can keep pushing forward,do things on my own, and I will be told I never go above and beyond. I will pick up 4 extra shifts because people wont come to work, I will take extra tables because other servers would rather talk then work. Nothing....it doesn't matter.

Watching: I got into Ugly Betty and just finished watching the First season, I love it so funny

Loving: That fall is almost here!! it's my favorite season and I love all the colors and the food and smells♥♥

What I want to talk about:

Something I realize lately , I'm always saying "it's fine" "it's Okay" I really need to stop doing that, because most the time it's not fine, I always think it could be worse so it's fine. Really though it's not fine, I always dismiss things by saying it's Fine. I think it's me choosing to look at the positive, but really i'm not. I'm avoiding the truth of how I feel. I really need to stop saying that. I need to switch it up and make it fine. But that means I have to stand outside my comfort zone, and step into the unknown and get people upset, The most important thing is being true to myself and not worrying about hurting others, because i just end up hurting me. FEAR is a huge thing, always afraid of what others will think. I need to force myself to take action and just deal with it!. I have to make a change or I'm going to keep spiraling down. I know it's not fine, You know it's not fine... I have let so many people get away with things, then I get angry at something else because I didn't let go of the things that were weighing me down "those fine" moments hold me back...and it's because of the fear that I have so it's time to make some changes in my life and stop letting people walk on me  


Hugs and Kisses XOXO