Sunday, July 31, 2011

and it still going on........

( First off I just want to share this photo because I think it's one of the most cutest things♥)

I have 7 more days left at the beach, today is the day that I have to give my daughter to her father, this makes me sad, even though she is sooooo happy about seeing him. I try to be grateful that she has a father that, wants to be her life. I should be extremely grateful. I just don't like those days or weeks when he has her.

Cattiness between my family is getting worse, I wonder by the end of the week if there's going to be war! I am working on separating myself from this ridiculousness, and not being sucked in..

We all vent, We all get angry and hurt by others and we need that release, I get it people I just don't understand this stupid, cruelness we have towards hurting people.... some one can explain that would be really great!!!

but I am enjoying the time at the beach!♥

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Family is all that it matters!♥

Family is all that matters, but truthfully in my case it does it mean the ones that gave birth to me. Unhappiness hits most of my family members hard, their goal at times is to see who can be the most cruelest with out being so blunt. They are like rabid dogs snapping and snarling, I keep my mouth shut and wonder how I don't or didn't turn out like them?

I guide my daughters in being a strong positive person, one that understands why they feel the way they feel....I don't want them to hate others or disrespect others because they are miserable. I want them to make sound choices... I love my family at times they have your back and they are not as bad as others ( never have they beat me ect....) I have gotten some good qualities from my family, being a strong women ect... I just understand that my mother is a victim herself. So I want to end the cycle of victims raising victims. My family blames others for their pain. I understand that, how you react to situations are your doing♥♥

Day 4 at the beach and I'm pretty much just on my own.... my choice though...I do not want to get involved of the talking behind their backs .....I just have to keep loving me and moving on, sometimes though working on me and bettering me I feel so alone♥♥

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

vodka stained hands and a sticky journal

the smell of the Ocean fills my nose in a nonintoxicating bliss. the ten year old stands in front of me with board in hand laughter on her lips. I sit on a wet sand soaked chair as I write. feeling the tension leave my body. I take a deep breath, filling my lungs with the Ocean air. The life guards swim by, the last ne struggling to keep up I take another deep breath and let it fill me, begging the Ocean air to bring me peace and happiness. the Soothing strength of the waves have that power. such an old power. the waves can wash my sorrow away

Monday, July 25, 2011

lipstick stained smokes,and freckled shoulders!♥

Where do I even start? do I just start with photo's of the great time I had with my daughters at the beach? or do I just jump into,where it hit me that I enjoy drama in my life!? I sat on the phone off and on for almost 4 hours with my boyfriend, crying fighting and so much ridiculousness, So much, and then it hit me.... No one really enjoys drama it actually gives me a huge headache and drains me, though that's all I know! I am sitting here on the phone with him, Justifying my actions to something so stupid, then it hit me, this whole crazyness is because he misses me and HE does not know how to deal with it, so he attacks and then I try to make it better and we make up! all because of his insecurity, well guess what this is not happening anymore. I am going to keep my head held high, and just be happy not deal with anyone elses BS...♥♥

Lets get to the pics!!!

Sunday, July 24, 2011

The Beach and working on me♥♥

15 days, of just me at the beach, I have 15 days of working on me and finding that peacefulness, that some how has been lost between bottles of wine and stained fingers of ciggeretts !!
Hello, it's been sometime, since I've been on here and these next two weeks I am going to work on writing every morning! I am at LBI NJ and this place is truly my first home!♥♥

I came here with so many hopes and goals of finding that peace that I use to have, Kiddos its time to forgive myself for my past actions! I can't change it, I can't be ashamed of it, I just need to grow and learn and be completely honest about it, I have made huge mistakes, I have hurt many in my battles of hating myself, but no more of that. NO more excuses of who I am or why I do things. Loving me and accepting me even my flaws is my main goal♥

I wonder how others do this I wonder, how others learn to forgive themselves? Can anyone answer this?