Thursday, July 2, 2009

sometimes I feel I'm at a dead end street.....

There will always be something to ruin our lives, it all depends on what or which finds us first. We are always ripe and ready to be taken.
Charles Bukowski

It's been some time since I've been truly happy in my life. I can sit here for hours and think and think and think and nothing comes to me.....

Now in all fairness yes I'm a very laughable person I smile as much as I can, my daughter makes me happy and my friends and family. But looking inward into myself I don't make myself happy.

I think this is important......

Every thing in my life I have lost, every Joy has been forgotten... My Painting my writing.... it's all gone. I can not even write the way I use too, almost poetic . It's all gone... I'm hollow

I've even lost the life of the party, that just months ago I was . The little NYC girl with the accent and the fiery personality to match, it's gone.... Why do I change so much. My morals stay my views yes... I"m still me... but it's almost like I'm changing a outfit .

Friends come and go with me all the time, so many have died or have vanished in society to never return. They've forgotten are times together . I'm always reaching out and no one is their.

I almost feel like the older I get the more layers of crap I get , the more walls I put up to surround myself ... but I'm so strong why is this?

These walls of mine are shallow, transparent if you must, I can slip by them but there's so many and I grow tired of running threw them... only to be disappointed again.

Maybe one day I can fully understand myself... one day I shall see
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Benedict Smith said...

credit for the bukowski quote.

Heather said...

I love Bukowski... thank you for taking the time to read my blog Mr.Smith