Thursday, July 30, 2009

There is nothing wrong with my butt !!!!


A full 9 hours of sleep...

Since the moment I got here I couldn't sleep. I tried everything .... I tried tiring myself out. Drinking more, then drinking some more. Pills that make you tired... sigh

and nothing worked.

I would lay in a daze of strange dreams. Then threw the day I would be a zombie just pushing myself threw the motions. Yes I was having fun but I found myself starring off into space and missing conversation around me.

Last night I still had strange dreams. I dreamt that everyone was wearing rabbit masks .... I don't know why lately I've been dreaming of animals and things of that nature.

This area is big into working out. Everyone runs around early morning Joggers, even whole families are running together down the road or beach. ( wow bare with me today to much coffee)

I feel like I'm on crack or something, well I've never done crack so I don't know really what that feels like... okay that was so random.

Anyway Yesterday I ran back to the house to grab some rackets to play birdie on the beach and this pretty buff guy was running behind me when he passed me, he looked down at me and smiled. I'm a nice person so I smiled back .

Then he said " you know you should probably start running, your butt needs a little work" I know my mouth fell open in shock. I clenched the racket so tightly my hand hurt and I replied " you know buddy, I could just shove this racket up your butt" The whole time I'm thinking why did I eat that donut.

So the rest of the day I was trying to stare at my butt in till finally Old Nicky boy asked me what the hell I'm doing. I told him the story and he rolled his eyes and told me to get over it. my ass is fine....

Old Nicky boy is from Russia or well his family is... I really don't think Russian is a pretty language, I walked in the living room as Nicky was talking to someone on the phone in Russian. But hey they sure can drink.

I've never seen Nicky Drunk but he's put many shots back. And Russians are very funny.

Okay I need to soak up this coffee to much I feel like I'm soaring in my head... blah
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Monday, July 27, 2009


I danced in the rain in a $300 dollar dress
The sand and water between my toes

I dreamt of fish tanks and fish dancing with crabs...
what does this mean?

I had a drink with floating peaches in it that was so good.

My freckles came out..and at this rate
They will grow so big and just smear.... This is how I tan

I'm really tired.... but a good tired, too much fun and too much sun

I laughed

and I stuck out my tongue.

body surfing


sea shell collecting

now I will paint them they will be my new beautiful ashtray's

I'm happy and I thank you all
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Sunday, July 26, 2009

cardboard fingers

there's just something about drinking wine on the beach at noon. With clams and other Seafood delights.

I forgot my camera, and I'm missing a lot of great photo opportunities.

I'm laughing so much....

That's a good thing, it's been so long

Last night, we got yelled at at ten pm for making to much noise. But really we weren't. We sat in a Circle on the deck with a fire. We all were just talking normal.My friend that owns the house, Pretty much told him very simply and too the point too shut up. Without being cocky or anything.

This Probably does not make sense to you. I've dealt with a lot of people in my small town that always has to prove a point. they won't shut up about it and they just keep running their month. These People in my little town will call all there friends and have a crew of 20 "take care" of the problem. Then the girls would all giggle and get excited that their was a fight...and blah blah blah it's really sickening actually.

It was a breath of fresh air..

the whole cardboard finger thing came into play by Sarah who was a little tipsy and she's a artist She did say that today she's going to make a cardboard middle finger and but it on the guys fence with a blinking bulb on top of the finger..

I thought this was very amusing and laughed.

Maybe you had to be there.

I'm up early I know, I went to bed late, but I have this excitement in the pit of my stomach and I feel so refreshed

I will be sitting on the beach at 9 am intill 4 that's all I have planned today

Smiley middle finger

Kidding, not to anyone of you

Hope everyone is having a good weekend.
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Friday, July 24, 2009

there is a dark cloud.....

I'm writing this first in my new Journal , sitting in a train that stops in every town before it hit's Philadelphia and then to NYC. For the last ten years of my adult life I lived in a town that was sucking the life out of me.

I finally had a enough of these blood suckers here. No body is perfect including myself. snort.. I'm far from it. But People here need to realize that there is so much out there then this town.

No one called me to say bye or even saw me. My great friends, I love them so much but in the end I was holding it all together, time to let go Heather. I think to myself.

**I need a smoke... I should have had one before the train left a last smoke in Pa maybe in phili I will do this**

Actually to be fair my dear friend Brian did try to see me, he text me and told me No matter how I think of this town there's always a place for me here that no one can fill and he was glad to meet me

Now that was very nice.

I like to think that if I look behind the train theirs a cloud of darkness covering this town. I like to think that maybe a mad Person is doing things to the drinking water and that's why all these people are in this one town think they are so Righteous.

This Place makes me want to scream and rip my hair out. How Can you be so Righteous when you guys are the biggest Joke, other area's make jokes about your great love of having sex with animals, your backwater hicks.....

People here just can't look into them selves Judgmental about everyone. And I had enough

My Best friend forgot I was leaving she had a stressful day she said...I told her I was sorry and she said she would call me in a couple hours...

lol she never did, I called her out on it and again she said she was sorry but she got drunk and she was haning out with her ex.

I think my views on friendship are different then the people here... i think it was for the best that I left.

A new start

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Sunday, July 19, 2009

Any man who does not accept the conditions of life sells his soul.

Last night I sat around a table with all my friends a smoke in one hand and a pint of beer in my other hand, Everyone was laughing and having a good time. INcluding myself.

For once I was it filling like a outcast or like some diseased animal. I was feeling like part of the group.

Kara my best friend's brother came out and he just broke up with his girlfriend and he was on the prowl for some pussy that night. He made a Joke to Kara that she could pick any women and he would hit on her.

Kara took great fun in this and looked around she had a big smile on her face and pointed to a women at the end of the bar...
"how about that one" she said.

We all looked and most People laughed, she was older maybe in her 40's her eyebrows were painted on and you could tell she had fake teeth, A friend laughed and said the women was a crack addict one of the biggest in this small town.

Kenny Kara's brother went up to her and started talking. The women looked shocked and then you could see her falling . I felt bad and Kara snickered thinking it was the funniest thing ever.

Threw out the Night comments were made about this new couple. Kara forced her brother to buy the women a shot and her one as well. The women you could tell was it use to getting this kind of attention and she was loving it.

When it was time to leave Kara yelled for her brother that we had to go. He said that he would meet us outside. Of course her and I had to say bye to everyone so Kenny got outside first. The women was with him.

Kara froze, and then said " who's coming with us"
KEnny smiled and said me and my friend
" Umm no Kenny no one in my car you know that" Kara said very bitchy. The women turned on her heel and headed away. Kenny ran after her and Kara was yelling her brother's name and saying she was leaving with out. He walked away with this women.

Kara just stood there stunned .. " I can't believe he went home with her" she kept calling him and they had some heated words.
by this time I was getting cold shivering and standing outside . Kara's going on and on about crack whores and her brother is stupid and it was just a Joke ....blah blah blah.

At that moment I came to the thought that, Kara my bff I love her dearly will never be anything but a townie. A local. She will always come to the same bar sit in the same seat. And laugh at the drunks. This is her life .... this is this town these People.. and they love her . There's no challenge here ,

She has everyone fooled that she's just this innocent person... Kara I do love her but I just realize what she's made of... and I don't like it
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Monday, July 13, 2009


I came to a box with some old pics and Journals hidden in the back of my closet. Actually the only closet that I have in my whole place. Which makes it very difficult and not practical at all.

These Journals were descriptive in there writing. A talent I use to have and it seemed that I have lost it. I don't remember really writing these Journals, just finding them buried at the bottom of a dozen other shoe boxs and other such things. I could tell they were written in drinking/drug binge over the years
, or perhaps my personality has finaly split in two after all these years of torment and my other self is writing these Journals. If I had another personality what would I call her? or maybe it would be a male I bet his favorite food was spinich ice cream.

I guess I could use another personality. One that does it have seizures or one that won't let shady people into my life. Because that's me now. All he would do is eat spinich ice cream and kick peoples asses ... maybe he would be a

Anyway though back to the JOurnals , there is a vague memory of writing them, a time so long ago it felt like another life.

A Part of the Journal :

"I have to get back to the city. I have been alone for over a hour now and the fat neck hicks lick there fat tongues at me, lack of a good social interaction has turned me into a bitch. Why did I come back here ?!

I am nothing when I'm alone....."

I think I'm going to rewrite these pages and put them on my The Madness of Me blog....

There's about 6 journals in 15 year period I think I will just randomly choose a passage... I'll try to do it every day so check back...
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Thursday, July 9, 2009


You witnessed the death in me and you just let it happen. with not a care in the world with out a thought .

You did not turn around when you walked away from me. You just kept going to never return.

You changed your life.....
You hated me that much you dropped everyone all your friends, your love of pool and cards. Even darts that was your great love.

YOu drove around town in your car and spoke to everyone and now your no where to be seen. It was that easy for you..... I hate you no I should hate you, but I can't that's not what I'm about.

You were that good, Sperm donor. I believed everything you said. Though that voice inside of me was screaming at me. I've made mistakes and for that I'm sorry.

But you
you what you did,.......

Two lives were changed not counting yours, when was lost forever, and hell mine is pretty much gone..... I might not ever return, just like you.

Why was I a game?

You were a dear friend, and you just walked away..... Not caring ,

Will I ever have closure in this?
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Sunday, July 5, 2009 I had a blast of a night gang... I road in a 1967... shit I don't but it was cool, hair all wind blown and I have a weird ass smile on my face... hee hee

But what great fun.......

i think thats more wine then im thinking about i have had in the fututure past minutes of my minds not completely there at the present tense... wtf am i saying?

I don't know I'm going to blame it on long weeks of not drinking hee hee

My stalker was on the hole tonight I wish I could have gotten a pic of him... he's as old as my dad... sigh he makes me sick... not because he's old just because of the shit that he say's

officialy I am not really fond of this place. sure ive made friends and enemies alike. but you know what? in another 40 - 50 years youl all be dead. probly of naural causes like your body falling apart gradualy. lol, i know its mean spirited of me to bring up such a horrible thing like death on a site . but what the frig. lets get this party started, ive got wine in my system and techno playing so im a happy mother smegger. thats right, im going there. i love this site... and yes I ment to spell smegger........

Here's me wearing my buddy's Hat, he took me home in a 1967 something... sigh I forget what it is....sigh and that's bad because I love older cars.

I look silly but that's fine I"m not here to impress anyone....
You know lately I've been getting a lot of emails from old Haggs and haggertins who just want a piece of ass have there husbands watch or something like that

WTF... not happening

Listen I'm a nice person I can hang out with anyone and get along with people but I have to draw the line.... and if you keep it up I will eat your eyes it's that simple....

It's been some time since I wrote a drunk blog, and yes I want cookies it's my thing when I get drunk I want to eat cookies.. but I'm eating Peppermint Patties... yummy they are the best!!!

I'm case worker was drunk at the bar tonight
He wears Hawaiian shirts
I think he's the devil

enough of that... that's for another time I will tell you all about my case worker

I'm every where like a doll in a tornado

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Thursday, July 2, 2009

sometimes I feel I'm at a dead end street.....

There will always be something to ruin our lives, it all depends on what or which finds us first. We are always ripe and ready to be taken.
Charles Bukowski

It's been some time since I've been truly happy in my life. I can sit here for hours and think and think and think and nothing comes to me.....

Now in all fairness yes I'm a very laughable person I smile as much as I can, my daughter makes me happy and my friends and family. But looking inward into myself I don't make myself happy.

I think this is important......

Every thing in my life I have lost, every Joy has been forgotten... My Painting my writing.... it's all gone. I can not even write the way I use too, almost poetic . It's all gone... I'm hollow

I've even lost the life of the party, that just months ago I was . The little NYC girl with the accent and the fiery personality to match, it's gone.... Why do I change so much. My morals stay my views yes... I"m still me... but it's almost like I'm changing a outfit .

Friends come and go with me all the time, so many have died or have vanished in society to never return. They've forgotten are times together . I'm always reaching out and no one is their.

I almost feel like the older I get the more layers of crap I get , the more walls I put up to surround myself ... but I'm so strong why is this?

These walls of mine are shallow, transparent if you must, I can slip by them but there's so many and I grow tired of running threw them... only to be disappointed again.

Maybe one day I can fully understand myself... one day I shall see
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