Tuesday, June 2, 2009

understanding me



In the fabrics of my being, I am cursed with being to loyal and never walking away from people that I should. I get angry and I get sad and upset at people, but I would never write them off, and to this day I never had. People make mistakes, and I am one that can not judge because I'm not perfect.

It's been some time since I felt worthless, at the age of 31 feelings of insecurity and not important should have left me in my early twenties or late teens, and it had of course a situation would arise and maybe for a moment I had that insecurity... it is a common thing . But I must say that I have been blessed with the understanding of why I would feel such a feeling in the past.

Now though, I feel with a shaky breath I can't hold on to it anymore, I feel that no matter what, everyone can Justified there self to me and I will hold out my arms and except them for who they are. I will work and try to reach out to keep things together to keep everyone together. I never get the same respect from others

Last night sperm donor decide to show himself after almost 3 days of hiding . It really got to the point of me letting go of my anger and just wanting to talk to him. I guess he needed some space and I'm always willing to do what I can for people.

Here's are conversation:

Me:So your not going to talk to me?
SD: about what?
Me: About the situation we are in..
SD:What situation is that?
Me:Wow are you really going to go that route now
SD: All I know that when this "Situation " is over all ties to each other are cut off

I don't think he or anyone can truly understand how just that one line, saying that one line has really fucked with my head. I admit that I referred to this as my situation, first
I get it but I did so because we were in the bar. Cut all ties off but yet he still gave my best friend a hug when she left after he said this me.....

And this situation is a living thing, and it's hard I have people that are standing with me, but those same people are telling me that I need to get rid of it.. ( due to health reasons) or Because I have a enough struggles in life. Just get rid of it like in the long run I'm going to be okay with it. LIke I won't have new problems or it's just going to go away. and I will be skipping on rainbows.

2 of my friends past away in the month of may, and one is in a coma struggling for life, we took there lives for granted , we took all those wonderful funny, sad, angry, beautiful times and forgot about them, in till they were gone, and then we were sad, then we regretted.

Value life because I"m here now, Because you might be standing next to someone on the street who could be a new lover or best friend, or it could just be some one in your cirlce of friends, but if you always give up when something goes wrong you might lose your chance.....

I don't know if this makes sense, I'm sorta all over the place, I just don't give up Sperm donor told me in the beging that no matter what my choice was he would always be my friend. I said it too and I still stand by it .

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