Friday, June 19, 2009

A thought

I think I'm prone to bouts of depression, though I have a magical laugh, and an obsessive love to bunny art. The world to me is a playground or yet it use to be.

The past 3 years have changed me.....

Funny how your friends point that out to you, as if I didn't know... " Really ?, I'm a different person?" I'm okay with changing, I'm okay with letting myself go threw the hardships of life to get where I need to go... It does hurt at times when people called you out on your problems or mistakes .

I think I'm starting a new phase in my life, and I'm realizing that there are some things I need to change about myself to become a better person. Sperm donor called me out and though we have our issues, and he's not perfect ( not even close) I need to step back and stop looking at what he is doing all the time. And know that Wow I'm fucking up as well.

I need to really be honest with myself and know that I have issues with abandonment to the point that I push people away and then when they had enough, I blame them for walking away. that's not fair.

Just like with sperm donor..... He made mistakes... he has I'm not forgetting about that but I told everyone that I could and know they are Judging him, and truthfully it's really no one's business. I wanted everyone to see my side of things, and stand by me. Our mutual friends are on my side, he has no one to speak to, they accuse him and gossip is spread... sigh it's a dirty mess that was my doing.

He told me that he does it even want to see me anymore because it stresses him out because he worries that I said something to someone or what friend is going to blame him for something. He blames me for everyone hating him.

I know this is confusing because my last blog was how we weren't talking anymore, A lot has happen and we had a ten hour conversation about every thing ... telling the truth ten hours.

I was lying to myself and not taking credit in are problems at all it was always Sperm donor's fault, though last night my feeling got really hurt by him I got the gist of what he meant. but it hurt to hear that he couldn't even come to his bar anymore because he didn't want to see me. That he never has a chance, his fate was all ready determined by my words.

He's right....

I need to back away and let him go threw what he needs to go threw, I've treated him like a yo yo back and forth back and forth. I'm not happy by this new found image of my self, it's going to take time for me to be that person I use to be... maybe I never will be but I need to be something that can stand tall and on her own.
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