Tuesday, June 30, 2009

fuck the pain


I'v never had so much pain in a small area before !! A little thing like a tooth could hurt so bad, I know there's fucking a bunch of nervous, but after ten years you think my tooth wouldn't hurt.

It all started when I was living in NYC... I miss it there so much....

but anyway I was coming out of the bar and with some female friends and we headed down the street the next bar was only about a block no point in getting a taxi.

We were Laughing and having a good old time when next thing I knew I was getting punched in the face. I don't mean a normal punch... I mean I felt like I was getting my head ripped off.... I know I passed out and I heard my friends screaming.

When I awoke, I was laying on the sidewalk and there were about 3 guys that I didn't know beating this huge beast of a man up. I was laying in a lap of my friend and some where a shirt came and was pressed up my nose.

Yup a broken nose, and in my friends hand was part of my tooth a moler ... damn him!!

I didn't know who this man was they said he was drunk really drunk and that he was complaining about a chick in the bar that he just came out of. I guess he thought I was her.

He hit me with his huge fist it broke my nose and broke my tooth in half.... sigh

now I get horrible pain every now and then,

Tooth pain is the worst kinda pain
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Monday, June 29, 2009

A Social Whore......


social whore

the person who everyone is friends with, but who has no specific group of friends. This person will flit from group to group of people at a gathering and act like great buddies with all of them. despite their popular appearance, social whores are often left 'out of the loop' for the simple reason that everbody thinks they belong to somebody else.


I want to catch fireflies tonight....

Sometimes there has to be a moment in everyone's life that you don't want to spend talking to everyone. I want to spend it laughing and running threw a field . I would like to collapse in a heap because I laughed so hard....

I want to stare up at the stars and listen to the night sounds, and breath in the night smells. I don't want to spend it in a bar inhaling the smoke and stench of stale alcohol . I don't want to be filled with endless chatter of bar conversations. OR see the sad looks from people because Sperm donor is it around. or the fact that I will smoke one cigarette or looks from People who don't believe me.

There has to be more to life then what I'm living, a deeper meaning, I feel this town will suck my soul out. I feel that no one understands in this town. A town filled with shallow soul's and empty eyes..

There lives are so pointless that they looked into mine to consume there boring life. I hate that I"m a Social Whore I hate that I"m too honest , for this place. These People are empty
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5 guys and red tongues

I needed to feel alive, yesterday. I needed to get away from my normal humdrum life. Step back and look inward at myself. So what do you do when that happens....

You go to 5 guys burgers and fries....
yummy




Now is this burger not the best looking burger ever... my mouth is drooling just thinking about it, I hope everyone knows about 5 guys.... they have the best burgers and homemade fries...!!!!!



This is their wall of fame..... People leaving messages on how great they are.. I feel bad for anyone who has never eaten at a 5 Guys

I also ended going out last night and having a blast... I met up with a old friend and hung with my BFF's


Brian and I ( he never takes a bad picture, me I look so tired)


Kara and I

I had fun... I slept like a baby intill about ten this morning nothing really exciting happened but it was still fun



This is what I drank, Sheryl temples ,

but whenever i drink them this is what happens


I get a red tongue from the cherries, it makes me miss my Whiskey and cherries drink,

Saturday, June 27, 2009

I love bunnies but hate you

I love bunnies anything at all that has to do with bunnies, real one's, movies, artwork all that stuff



















but you know what..... I hate you, I don't want to... I really don't but I can feel it... boiling up inside of me..... I thought I was going to be okay and I was just going to do this on my own.... but I can't I really can't.... I'm tired of being alone and i'm tired of your lies. I'm tired of people starring at me like I'm the freak here but your the one hiding . Your the one running !!!!! I'm the one that feels this pain I"m the one that still feels bad when all I want to do is hurt you !!!! I want to hurt you like you hurt me!!! I want you to feel what i'm feeling !!!! I want this to stop...

Why could you not have been truthful.. why could you not have been just fuck off heather in the beginning? I wish this could be a movie like a Lifetime special like there will be a hour of a struggle and you would come back with open arms and I would be forgiven and we would be great friends. Why is that so much to ask?

I want my life back!!!! I want to have my mind and my feelings back, bad things can't keep happening to me, you honestly cared for me you said it. ... Now I just want to destroy you!!!!! You hurt me..... You will never know never understand what you did to me. You met my child, you heard my secrets my fears and I heard yours. Why can't you realize , People arn't suppose to treat others like this. I've been threw this... I want a happy ending please I want it. I"m not asking for you to be in a relationship or marriage I want your friendship. i thought it was something special. I thought we had something special.....

Why are these always my lessons, what about yours.... Don't treat people like this... how can you live with yourself ? How ? how can you get up and look at yourself in the mirror? hOw can you live your life and know that a child will be born that's part of you and you are doing nothing but hurting someone.

Then how can People at the my bar be on your side and tell you that i"m a whore. That i'm looking for a father for my childern. that You should ask for a test to make sure it's yours.....or that i'm faking it. You lied, stolen drugs, and things.... you messed with my head and your ex's head but your soooo nice and everyone loves you!!!

You were cruel and hateful towards me , you told me I had no body, that noone thought good things on. I had no friends that were true..... You WON !!!! is it that good enough.... you won and made me feel horiable . You told me you weren't that guy... you weren't that person that you were always going to be there.... why did you have to lie....

Fuck me I was so honest and you just gave me shit.... I felt it we were to be good friends.... Why do I ruin it why do I destroy everything

Why?


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Wednesday, June 24, 2009

now I know




my body is complaining because it needs a smoke, I won't fall into the selfish needs of smoking, I quit completely though my doctor told me not to cut back intill I don't need them any more . I just don't know if that would happen.... I have a great need for smokes.....

I have it spoken to sperm donor since Monday, he walked out of my home with harsh words and me in tears with a promise that he won't be there for the baby.....

I guess it's good to know now.....

I feel like I'm just going threw the steps of life right now... that i'm just a shadow of my happy full of life self.

Sperm donor is so scared he is angry and he's grasping at straws, I'm not angry anymore not at him.

I"m sad....

I lost a friend in this, and no matter what he did messed up things, but there is a good side of him.....

I forgive him and I miss him...

I have my own fucked up issues in life, Sperm donor is use to having things go his way and I won't lean towards him so he's walking away.....

I lay awake alot since monday.... Just thinking..... trying to stay healthy, and calm, I'm thinking that I"m good at ruining lives, and of course of having men and women want me, not date me or marry me but want me...

I just have to stay strong yup that's what I have to do,




Currently watching:
Sunshine Cleaning
Release date: 2009-08-25
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Monday, June 22, 2009

There comes a time in everyone's life that you have to take a deep breath and stand tall. I wish I was ready for this, but I was it, all my bitching all my complaining did not ready me for what happen last night. I was clueless and I was really hurt. Though this is how my life will be or how it's ending up I guess, it helped in the way to open my eyes and know that I'm not that person that everyone respected....or adored...is that their fault no it's mine!

A man without ethics is a wild beast loosed upon this world.
Albert Camus

I agree with this......

Last night I got my ass handed to me by Sperm donor, he said some pretty shitty things, to me and the table's were turn, I was in a weird place that I did not like. It all just took me for a surprise.....

People were talking about me, saying horrible things about my character, I was called a Whore, a slut, I was told that People said I was faking the pregnancy ... and I was looking for a father for my childern ...

It hurt.....

I felt like I couldn't breath, I stood there stunned that he was telling me this stuff that people were saying, that he wanted to hurt me so much..... People told me things about him but I asked him about it never accusing just questioning, I caught him in lies, I talked to him as a person never yelling.....

He came and attacked me in my home bar everyone stopped and listened with there smiles and there cat like grins. I wanted to punch all of them .. My best friend left me because she was embarrassed she threw over her shoulder to Sperm donor that he needed to go somewhere else to talk about this......

Then after he left me in this whirl wind of new hating feelings he left... just left so I had to deal with the stare's..... How did my life get to be this Soap opera ish ? How?

I was the funny girl, with the witty accent and acid tongue now I'm known as the psycho whore. It hurt

On a happier note though I got a job today... I start on Thursday which I'm very happy about ......

Something looking up

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Sunday, June 21, 2009

between hell and life

..It's about 6:oo pm and i'm still laying in bed. I have the fan blowing on me because I'm too lazy to get up and open the windows. I can tell there is a nice breeze outside. The birds chirp outside my window.

4 CANS of DR Pepper sit on my night stand beside me and bbq chips on the floor. This was my dinner and lunch and what the hell my breakfast. My legs ache almost a comfortable ache , at the rate I'm going my legs will be bowed and I'll be on complete bed rest. My viens hurt where those hellish nurses stabbed me with there needles, this time my legs couldn't reach them. My head is foggy and unclear as I sit here and write this. I only have a hour to clear my head and to get ready to go out.

I'm tired, will my days ever be filled with rest.....

I had great things to do today, a clean house would be nice and maybe some laundry would be great.... but no my day was filled with a night in the hospital and then nothing but bed.

Today I thought of the old day's when there was so many of us that were held together, now we are all seperated not really speaking, thrown across the world like leaves in the wind.

That makes me sad....

Religion makes me sad as well......

but it seems that Dr. Pepper makes me happy

Sperm donor told me that he couldn't compete with me, that though he does it want this child the fact that I would give my life for it, he can't say anything about that, I'm just better person then he is....

As Wallace Wattles said :

"The very best thing you can do for the whole wolrd is to make the most of yourself"

This statement is true, if you better yourself, then you can better the world....

I know that i'm prego but the fact that I still look the same except some small weight gain I'm not going to hide.....



for being only 5 feet 2 inches tall I have some pretty long legs, this is pointed out to me all the time.

sigh

I took a shower and cried, I'm going to blame it on being pregnant, because I don't understand it....

Sperm donor told me that he likes me more then a friend and that he cares for me deeply ..... but then he tells me he can do what he wants or who he wants because were not in a relationship......

I don't know what to do with that.....

He makes me insane.... I think he enjoys it...
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Friday, June 19, 2009

A thought





I think I'm prone to bouts of depression, though I have a magical laugh, and an obsessive love to bunny art. The world to me is a playground or yet it use to be.

The past 3 years have changed me.....

Funny how your friends point that out to you, as if I didn't know... " Really ?, I'm a different person?" I'm okay with changing, I'm okay with letting myself go threw the hardships of life to get where I need to go... It does hurt at times when people called you out on your problems or mistakes .

I think I'm starting a new phase in my life, and I'm realizing that there are some things I need to change about myself to become a better person. Sperm donor called me out and though we have our issues, and he's not perfect ( not even close) I need to step back and stop looking at what he is doing all the time. And know that Wow I'm fucking up as well.

I need to really be honest with myself and know that I have issues with abandonment to the point that I push people away and then when they had enough, I blame them for walking away. that's not fair.

Just like with sperm donor..... He made mistakes... he has I'm not forgetting about that but I told everyone that I could and know they are Judging him, and truthfully it's really no one's business. I wanted everyone to see my side of things, and stand by me. Our mutual friends are on my side, he has no one to speak to, they accuse him and gossip is spread... sigh it's a dirty mess that was my doing.

He told me that he does it even want to see me anymore because it stresses him out because he worries that I said something to someone or what friend is going to blame him for something. He blames me for everyone hating him.

I know this is confusing because my last blog was how we weren't talking anymore, A lot has happen and we had a ten hour conversation about every thing ... telling the truth ten hours.

I was lying to myself and not taking credit in are problems at all it was always Sperm donor's fault, though last night my feeling got really hurt by him I got the gist of what he meant. but it hurt to hear that he couldn't even come to his bar anymore because he didn't want to see me. That he never has a chance, his fate was all ready determined by my words.

He's right....

I need to back away and let him go threw what he needs to go threw, I've treated him like a yo yo back and forth back and forth. I'm not happy by this new found image of my self, it's going to take time for me to be that person I use to be... maybe I never will be but I need to be something that can stand tall and on her own.
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Monday, June 15, 2009

it's my time to shine

I don't know if I have ever told any of you, that I really hate Doctors. I have this great hatred toward them since as long as I could remember. I even hate nurses with there needles and heavy hands. Needles don't bother me it's the whole digging in my arm that I hate. I've kicked and hit nurses in their process of drawing blood from me, where they had to strap me down.

So I sat in the office with my paper gown on and waited for the doctor to come in and start the ultrasound. Are doctors offices so cheap that they have paper gowns now? I could have just left my shirt on and had a sheet covering my lower self.

Okay I'm getting off track here, sorry.....

Lets speed it up a little bit and talk about what I heard ... you know what I'm telling you here right, Yes... that's right a heart beat a strong kick ass heart beat that was not from me!!! my baby is still a live !!!!

I laid there confused... how can this be I was so sure of this that I lost the babe, Then my thoughts went of last night and I smoked like a addict and had some drinks that left me breathless and giggling I was it drunk but I was pretty damn close. How was this going to effect the baby.... Damit I was starting the mourning process...

SO WHY WAS I BLEEDING

because hormone levels go up and down because sometimes the liner of my uterus just let goes and comes out ..... he seemed unconcern really with it all, He also explained that at times a egg that is Fertilized won't drop when it should so implantation to the Uterus is later then normal so they think the sack is it developing as it should be......

Okay what ? I'm not new to motherhood I have had a child and other pregnancies ( though they ended in miscarries) He's words were to me " Some times things just happen, for no reason, they just happen" he ended it with a shrug , yup a shrug .

So I rush home and went on line and there's 100's of women like me that had this same thing, women who didn't know for weeks that they were still pregnant !!!!!

So Now what am I going to do ?

Well I'm Keeping the baby, and for Sperm donor.. well I'm not going to talk to him ever, I don't even want to see his face, I have another chance here, I've given him way to many and he was nothing but a disappointment...... I'm not telling him because he left me at the bar..... I can't have someone like that in my life or in my child's life.... To be that unfeeling to something that is half yours.... To not have any emotion there are people threw out time who had this ... they are called Psyco's killers and murders .

So know I'm really alone and that's okay...
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He knows death to the bone - Man has created death.


We were the last romantics - chose for theme
Traditional sanctity and loveliness.
William Butler Yeats


Children show scars like medals. Lovers use them as secrets to reveal. A scar is what happens when the word is made flesh.
Leonard Cohen

Madness is the absolute break with the work of art; it forms the constitutive moment of abolition, which dissolves in time the truth of the work of art.
Michel Foucault


I was burnt to a crisp yesterday, my skin is bright red, I was so tired I just fell asleep beside the pool and dreamt of a world so much better then my own.
which in truth is not very hard, This world is a evil beautiful place, hounded by cockroach's and other bugs of filth. I like to think that my little town is the breeding ground for these People.

In my dream I lived in a world filled with caring people, People who were honest and care free, People who would never beat you with there fists or words.... this world was filled with people who gave a shit what they said and did to you.....

I'm worried .... I have a feeling of willingness to feel, I thought it was shock for what went on this weekend but now I'm not so sure . I think I'm dead.... I don't feel anything....not a care in the world....

I know in my mind that this is not a good thing..... that I need to mourn the lost of this child, I need to go threw the emotions of what Sperm donor did to me for me to heal ..... right? i just don't have it in me, and I know I should be worried on that but I can't feel anything....
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Saturday, June 13, 2009

the soft pack.....


,
The skies let the sun come out and Play today. No Grey skies, though there is a hint of a thunder storm might be coming but only a hint.
Funny how the sun is bright and warm and I"m watching from my window, People are sitting on my front porch eating there food, some times it sucks living next to a deli pizza place.

It's hot out I'm not a fan of the heat, put me next to a pool or a body of water I will be fine. This kinda heat reminds me of when I was younger and I fried a egg on the school blacktop, and when I consumed it I received detention.

I made a to do list today, though I forgot to brush my teeth, maybe I should have put that on the list, brushing the teeth is very important. Mostly mine because I all ready have 3 broken ones due to ex boyfriends and their fists of rage.

I wish I was leaving on a Jet Plane today.....

I spent last night at the bar, People watching. S strange combination of extra weirdo's, one man looked like a frighten mole. I'm a weirdo and I'm happy with it. Sperm donor Kept feeding me smokes, his mood was wonderful and we got along very well.

Sperm donor is turning himself in, 3 warrants in his name and today he's turning him self in.

We watched "Drag me to Hell" and laughed in till 6 am like old times, though he did not once say anything about the baby.Maybe my email got to him, maybe....

I wish I could drink some whiskey with cherries in it how yummy would that be. I wish there were still bands called Bikini Kill with songs like " suck my left one"

I also wish my BFF would stop doing Coke, for her and me .... it gives me a itch that I want to do it so bad. I almost hate her for it.....


I need to quit smoking I'm sticking to the 5 a day like my doctor says but I should just quit... sigh

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Friday, June 12, 2009

“My witness is the empty sky.”

Did you know that every night I go to bed with so many promises to myself that tomorrow will be better? These words are only spoken in my head, I never say them out loud. Maybe because I know that it's just going to be a disappointment, to awake and nothing new has changed.

I'm empty inside today, what the hell I'm empty every day......

Where did everyone go after two day's of being stuck in my home, with no rides and no phone except text messaging I'm truly starting to see that my life is not the grandest and how easy people disappear.

I started bleeding slightly about an hour ago....... just very lightly.... sigh almost unnoticeable, Though I had a miscarriages before two actually and they both started out the same. though with my daughter I bled a little bit in the first trimester as well so I'm holding on to that.

There would be no way that after all this fighting, I would lose this child? The Gods are not that cruel or are they?

Sperm donor won't win will he? his pretty lies, and honey tongue, He wouldn't win right?

To many thoughts going threw my head to many......

Thursday, June 11, 2009

repost from another blog


My Horoscope for today :

Be careful about taking hasty decisions; they may bring about unexpected outcomes. This is a period of wait, of introspection. Focus on your thoughts; this will stimulate your perception in ORDER not to be deceived by the external world. This period will be very important and necessary for you to grow and acquire new experiences. This is a time for being right, faithful and loyal. You'll strike up reliable and meaningful friendships.

the only people for me are the mad ones...

...the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved...the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but BURN, BURN, BURN, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars.

Jack Kerouac


For those of you who don't know who Jack Kerouac is here is a little bio on him Taken from Wikipidea:

Jack Kerouac (pronounced /ˈkɛruːæk, ˈkɛrəwæk/; March 12, 1922 – October 21, 1969) was an American author, poet and painter. Alongside William S. Burroughs and Allen Ginsberg, he is considered a pioneer of the Beat Generation.
Kerouac's work was very popular, but received little critical acclaim during his lifetime. Today, he is considered an important and influential writer who inspired others, including Hunter S. Thompson, Tom Robbins, Lester Bangs, Richard Brautigan, Ken Kesey, Haruki Murakami, Tom Waits, and writers of the New Journalism.
Kerouac's best-known books are On the Road, The Dharma Bums, Big Sur, The Subterraneans, and Visions of Cody.

“I hope it is true that a man can die and yet not only live in others but give them life, and not only life, but that great consciousness of life.”

Quote by Jack Kerouac

I stayed in bed last night starting at about 6 pm, with the computer on my lap and my eyes glazed over, with my own little drug called the internet.....It didn't help get rid of the itch I had to jump into a car and go to the bar.... though

I've been so stressed out I've actually broke out in hives on my neck and pimples on my face, growing up I didn't get pimples, and know I have one laughing at me. The Hives actually look like somebody was sucking on my neck, which is actually very trashy looking and I would never let anyone do that.

I love starring off at the rain it makes me feel secure and safe when I hear it . I sip my coffee and stare outside at the wetness, and I really just think "Hey I've had way to much pain in my life lately." I've had a lot of bad things happen to me, I have my own demons like everyone else, but it seems that everyone else can keep on trucking and it just does it effect them? Am I too sensitive ? or is it just to real?

Being Jobless these last 4 months I've done a lot of reading and browsing the internet. I find other bloggers who have there own troubles and they wear there pain on there sleaves.. but yet I can't find anyone like that where I am. Maybe there's only a loud to be one in 20 miles... sigh I"m tired of being alone

I spoke to sperm donor on tuesday, It went well though I couldn't finish bc he had things he had to do, story of my life nothing get's done, everything get's pushed back when it comes to him.

He did state that he wished he could move in with me and we could work out our problems and raise the child..... but he can't .. always "if only's" never actions...

I wrote him a email, first because I couldn't get a hold of him to talk. When I write it has more emotions in it, more real.

Email:
Since you wont talk to me, this is the only way I can talk to you. That is if you choose to read it, because I can see you just deleting it.

I keep hearing from you that, Your not that guy, You've said this to me a lot lately .... and I think I have to disagree with you. YOu are that guy. But to be fair I know this is something you've never been through. I won't give you the age thing though because if your man enough to fuck you need to be man enough to take responsibility.

Giles won't help us, he said it's because he does it trust you .I don't blame him though that's a lot of money to fork over. I think it's funny though how he couldn't tell you that..lol how he's talking shit behind your back and being nice to your face...It shows what kind of People are around here.

I guess your use to that though, two face People....

I'm Keeping the child, I go to another Doctor's appoinment on thursday, and I know you told me before that you want to go to them, but well were not going to kid ourselves here are we sperm donor.

I would rather have a child that the father does not want, then Kill a child for the same reason....

I thought long and hard on this and the only thing your doing to me is making me insane and that's not who I am. I threated you and I"m "manning" up John and I'm going to say sorry for that it was not right and it's not who I am.

I won't bother you, I"m going to raise this child on my own and Love him or her the best I can... because to know that the father wants nothing to do with the child is a big self esteem issue for this child. I won't have it!

I can't make you grow up or be a man , and really I don't want to, if I made you you would be just resentful and hateful, though you all ready have enough of that going on with dealing with yourself.

And believe me your not the type of man I want to set example for "my" child. I need to keep my head up, bc though I have my own issues in this my own insecurerity . My advice to you is this, You do have a impact on people's lives Sperm donor things you say and do effect People, that's why you need to treat People well. Were all humans here.

I pushed everyone away, everyone, so go to the Gman and live your life with all of my friends because they aren't in my life anymore, I hope you know though that they will never be honest with you like I have. But I think that does it bother you, I think you like to live ( like everyone else) in a fantasy world ...and have fake people .

You told me once you were worth it...Sperm donor your not to me, maybe someone but not me... this baby is worth it to me to give a change that his father never wanted for him. or her.

I hope in the future sperm donor you make better choices , I wish you the best, I really do, but I regrett meeting you and thinking you were something your not.. that's my fault not yours, you be who you are, always Disapointing but some how you get by.

Heather

oh Feb 4 is when the baby will be due just so you know take care

Okay the thing is that when I did talk to him it was it so blunt, I got my point across and all that stuff but I forgot to mention about how rough or honest this email was... sigh I"m sure he's going to go back to not talking to me.

This is a long blog I should stop,

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

first thunderstorm


I wore a dress that I got for $5 dollars , at a department store, it was green with purple flowers short but flowing. It snuggled tight against my rib cage making it hard to breath. It was sorta of a nice dress, though I wore my black chucks that the once white shoe laces were now grey and stained.

I stood outside of the bar, clutching my cigarette in my right hand and letting the smoke every time I in hale twirl around my tongue. Like a lover's kiss. The wind picked up, the air was so hot and sticky today, that when the storm started coming I had to run outside to have the breeze cool my skin.

That was part of it, my reason to come out, the other reason was I couldn't handle the stares anymore, The whispering, behind my back..

Sperm Donor I could hear his laugh from outside, he can pretend that all is well, that he's friends did not just talk trash on him, and gave him a high five when he showed up. What a sad funny little group we are.

The Dealer-and his high Strung ways, always advice to give, even if you didn't want it, He would be honest to you but he loves to gossip, though he is a amazing friend to me.

The BFF, The coke whore-, so pretty and cool, but not the brightest and she finds love in sleeping with different guys. she goes out every night, sits in the same chair and talks to the same people

The crack Addict- always the purse watcher, and one that you can't trust, a lier though he means well, He uses my sickness to get money, though he will be the first to take me to the hospital

The Tom boy- A drunk and so young , will try anything she can get her hands on, has daily melts down and won't remembers what she said or did the next day.

sperm donor- Father of my soon to be child, a coke head , one that would do anything for you though he's very intense in it almost creepy, a stealer of people's things. a lier

Are we not a strange little bunch of people? though I love them so very much, I hate myself at the same time for having them...

I don't know what my nickname would be or my description about myself.

I watch them threw the window as I smoke, Tom boy and Drug dealer in a heated fight about smoking Pot I"m sure. I roll my eyes and I start heading in as the rain comes down. I wish for something more then this, I wish I could scoop my friends up and fix all of there problems.. I wish I was strong enough to walk away from them
truthfully .

I feel bad for that.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

running


I had my bags pack and I was ready to run away to the city. I said good bye to my friends and gave a key to my one friend who was going to live in my apartment. This was a choice I made yesterday early morning and today I was planning on following threw with it.

But then:

My best friend got to me and she grounded me, I'm a free spirit which in the end it makes me selfish in away. Not that I try to be selfish, not that I go threw only thinking of myself but at times I forget the other people. That's not good,

Sperm donor took me home last night and told me he was going to miss me and that he was sorry. He asked me if it was something that he said that made me decide to leave. It was ... but it's not his fault.

Is it bad to think that now that I"m staying that people are going to think I made it up? I have the train ticket... I really was ready to do this.

But I got to thinking ( with help from my BF) that if sperm donor ran away everyone would be mad at him, arn't I doing the same thing? I"m running and I need to stick by him I need to understand that he's going threw a lot with this as well.......

sigh

I hate having understanding, I"m such a conterdiction with my free spirit and understanding.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

understanding me



In the fabrics of my being, I am cursed with being to loyal and never walking away from people that I should. I get angry and I get sad and upset at people, but I would never write them off, and to this day I never had. People make mistakes, and I am one that can not judge because I'm not perfect.

It's been some time since I felt worthless, at the age of 31 feelings of insecurity and not important should have left me in my early twenties or late teens, and it had of course a situation would arise and maybe for a moment I had that insecurity... it is a common thing . But I must say that I have been blessed with the understanding of why I would feel such a feeling in the past.

Now though, I feel with a shaky breath I can't hold on to it anymore, I feel that no matter what, everyone can Justified there self to me and I will hold out my arms and except them for who they are. I will work and try to reach out to keep things together to keep everyone together. I never get the same respect from others

Last night sperm donor decide to show himself after almost 3 days of hiding . It really got to the point of me letting go of my anger and just wanting to talk to him. I guess he needed some space and I'm always willing to do what I can for people.

Here's are conversation:

Me:So your not going to talk to me?
SD: about what?
Me: About the situation we are in..
SD:What situation is that?
Me:Wow are you really going to go that route now
SD: All I know that when this "Situation " is over all ties to each other are cut off

I don't think he or anyone can truly understand how just that one line, saying that one line has really fucked with my head. I admit that I referred to this as my situation, first
I get it but I did so because we were in the bar. Cut all ties off but yet he still gave my best friend a hug when she left after he said this me.....

And this situation is a living thing, and it's hard I have people that are standing with me, but those same people are telling me that I need to get rid of it.. ( due to health reasons) or Because I have a enough struggles in life. Just get rid of it like in the long run I'm going to be okay with it. LIke I won't have new problems or it's just going to go away. and I will be skipping on rainbows.

2 of my friends past away in the month of may, and one is in a coma struggling for life, we took there lives for granted , we took all those wonderful funny, sad, angry, beautiful times and forgot about them, in till they were gone, and then we were sad, then we regretted.

Value life because I"m here now, Because you might be standing next to someone on the street who could be a new lover or best friend, or it could just be some one in your cirlce of friends, but if you always give up when something goes wrong you might lose your chance.....

I don't know if this makes sense, I'm sorta all over the place, I just don't give up Sperm donor told me in the beging that no matter what my choice was he would always be my friend. I said it too and I still stand by it .

Monday, June 1, 2009

doubting sperm donor


Category: Life
Doubt: so many People have it, it creeps up on you, at the best of times and clings in the worst of time

You might not think that doubt could have much of an effect on your life, but part of the damage that it creates is that it is so thouroughly etched on to your belief system that becomes impossible to think any other way.

With the attitude of doubt you are unable to successfully tread the path of your sacred quest and realize what that quest is!!!


As you think, so shall you be.

We do become twhat we think about all day long, don't allow your thoughts and actions to be dictated by doubt

Doubt is a traitor because it uses limitations.....

Did you also know that one-third of your life when you are asleep, you have no doubt- and hence no limitations... what a wonderful thing

Why is that?

Because in your sleep you know what you can do and you do it, in your waking moments, you believe that you can't , and you don't so hence you have doubt....

I'm doubting sperm donor, his lies are like spider webs and it gives me this ugly feeling in my belly. What happen to truly caring for people and making sure that they have faith and trust in them. Is this gone?

Why can't you just have a knowing that when you meet someone it will be a pure honest relationship... not one based on lies, or hurt...

sigh