Tuesday, May 26, 2009

at times I feel like a white shark

I was sitting at the bar last night, yes in my state of condition , I still go out, Just kinda Listening to my own thoughts, and having conversations with myself that I wish I could have with someone. There was a lot of mindless banter going on around me, and I was doing my best to drone them all out. It's been along hard month, I've had a permanent headache that seems to just be laughing at me. It's been days, actually I believe it's been weeks since I've been myself.I'm done drinking, and smoking is next, I cut back a lot in the smoking . I use to smoke 2 packs just at the bar. now not even half......Sperm donor sat next to me glued to those games that they have at the bar, Playing Texas Holdem. We spoke of my first doctors appointment which will be this Thursday and how he wants to go to all my appointments... I felt a little relived that maybe he was growing up a little bit.
Of course by the end of the night my thoughts on him will change... and not for the better.

By the end of the night I was marching down a busy road and taking the long 8 mile track to my home in a fit of tears streaming down my wind whipped cheeks. It was raw emotion , angery grief, and hopelessness filled my body. and as the the trucks screamed by me droning out the sounds of my pain. Tonight was the night that everyone was leaving me to my own grief.

Yes, tiny imperfections, a window to the soul. The Ancient Greeks knew it, the Babylonians knew it. Heck, even Leonard Cohen knows it. ‘Ring the bells that still can ring’, he said, ‘forget your perfect offering, there is a crack in everything, that’s how the light gets in’. nothing is perfect, but this is life... I understand this but I'm tired of understanding everything..

Sperm donor made a very unwise choice, that might have ruined are friendship, He met a girl last night and he made a choice to spend the rest of the night with her. Though she was drunk, to the point where you couldn't even understand anything that came out of her mouth, and she smelled like puke and liqueur. He was my ride and he made some pitiful excess as to why he couldn't take me home. So I walked my feet are cracked and bloody by the end of the night , I guess morning because I got home at 5 am , I've walked before but I was it planning on walking so I didn't have the right shoes on

I'm a living breathing person, I have feelings , and thoughts, I bleed and hurt just like anyone else, So why do some People forget that we are all human, that we are meant to be holded with respect and kindness? He called to ask me if I needed a ride tonight because it's cold and wet outside.... it was cold last night and I did it with no Jacket and wearing flip flops and a skirt...... Oh yes and Sperm Donor did not even call to see if I got home okay, he has no worries when it comes to me....Carring his flesh inside of me and he does it think twice about it.


I'm not a faceless stranger, I'm someone that he shared his dreams and fears with, he told me his secrets and joys he told me of his demons.... I don't understand him.

Maybe he should pause before me and truly see what he is doing to me? maybe
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On my best days I feel just like a great white shark. Not all-conquering and indestructible — though I have my moments — but rather that if I ever stop moving, if I take a moment to correct myself in the full glare of the light, I’ll probably sink. I think this a sentiment typical of our time: we’re a people of movers, a swarm of busy-ness. We’re motivated not so much by greed as we are by an overriding fear of failure. And as a result, we create, we experience, and we consume far more than anyone else before us. We’re individualists, yet form clusters within. We’re dreamers, wheelers and schemers. We’re movers. Generation text? The baby boomboxers? Whatever. We defy categorisation because we don’t stay in one place — neither physically, mentally nor emotionally - long enough to own it. Our world gets smaller by the second and as it does, the mystery … the joyous excitement of new discovery, becomes less definable. How nice would it be to strip back the fine layers of resilience to leave us all vulnerable for a while. To feel the rawness of each new breath as it surges through our lungs. To be exposed to the realness of it all. At least for a day or two.

wouldn't that be nice....

Saturday, May 16, 2009

reflecting....

Friday May 15, 2009,

I slept to about 1:15 pm today, the sun was screaming threw my blinds. I cursed as I tried to hide under my covers. But then it was way to hot. I was it even tired, though I knew today was a day that I was going to be depressed. Could be that I'm PMSing or it could be that my life is just a little frustrating right now. Being poor , Jobless, and having friends and a Lover that don't respect you, has a lot to do with it.

Okay I know that it's me though, I know that my outlook on life has to change, Because no one deserves to be treated like I do. I want to day to speak to my Friend who has the same out look on life as me. Though I forget it and he always keeps with him. The Kingpin was with him And we Played some Pool and darts , while we waited for our Friend to come back.

The funny thing is , is that about ten minutes before I got a hold of my friend to see if we could talk. I called the king Pin, and no answers , then ten min later my friend said they were together at the bar drinking and playing pool.....LOL funny.

So the talk with my friend went really well, He told me that I needed to have a conversations with KingPIn and my other friends... Not to attack them but just have a one and one conversation with them, and Peacefully let them know how they made me feel. He also stated that sometimes people just test the limits of other people, just to see how much they can get by
Which really that makes sense!!

So I told the KingPin that when He gets back from his little trip this weekend with my friend. Him and I have to have a conversation .He looked nervous and asked me if it was a life change for him, I said no not really. I know he was thinking I might be pregnant ... but yea no ....

My whole problem that I find that I have is that People open up to me very quickly ....... People tell me all the time there dirty secrets and things like that, they spend all this time wanting to hang with me.... and then when I see them somewhere else it's like they don't know me.... I'm sick of it..... I deserve to get a hello, I feel like a fool I see them out and I go up to say hello and they treat me like I have a sickness... sigh I wish people could just stay the same always

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Wed May,13, 2009,

The one thing that I fucking hate.. or the one saying that I hate to hear. is this

"He is way to young,"

or anything about that, anything that gives an excuse to someone's asshole personality . No Age has nothing to do with the fact that he is just a cock sleave.

I'm what you call a Puma.... I like younger men though I"m not as of yet cougar material. So Puma. I go for men that are 22-25 years of age. I don't know , I think it might have to do with the fact that I look young myself. Oh I have dated men my age and older. It didn't work out for one reason or another,

So when things don't work out with the young men, my best friend always tells me that "oh he's too young that's why" ummmm no that has nothing to do with it. It's the person that you are,

I have tons of young Male friends , some of them are like little brothers to me, and they would never treat women like some of these asshole's that I pick to be with . But Okay I know that maybe it's my fault for picking these assholes. But everything goes well everything is perfect. They even share their most horrible secrets with me things that no one else knows. Then it's like a light switch turns on in their brain. And the whole disrespect thing happens , I always give them the benifit of the doubt. Then the disrespecting gets worse. Except if they need someone to talk to, or another male is giving me too much attention. They openly flirt with girls that arn't even that cute, and laugh really annoyingly ..... Fuck... I hate having a big heart, and then the times that he's normal and nice it makes up for all hiss assholeness !!!!!!!

I don't know what to do I"m very confused ,

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Day One, Who is the KingPin?

I have a lover who I"m just going to call the King Pin, Physical he's perfect. We sit for hours and just talk, he tells me of his life, his fears , his hurts and pains. We sit around my lap top which is on my bed. King Pin likes to keep his socks on. I like feet, I"m not going to say I have a fetish for them. I just like feet. Though there is something I like to do with the big toe... ssshhhh but I'm not telling

We talk in till the wee hours of the morning , sometimes to the early hours of the afternoon. when I have him to myself it's wonderful. It's filled with kisses rough touches. But he is so different outside of my home. He does not really ignore me. He gives a hug when he see's me, but he's reserved, how can that be when he told me a deep dark secret that his friends don't know. He told me he trusts me but is that only when were alone. Does he have a image to follow, is it a shameful thing to be seen with me?

Last night he played pool with a girl, kinda a cute in her own way, she had a high pitched voice that I loath. She kept telling him To "shut the fuck up" and giggle really loud, a nudge with her elbow, I really wanted to vomit.... When I got there I did what I always do I went up and gave him a hug, We talked for a bit and then the screeching girl told him he was up to shoot, at that time I asked him a question. Which I didn't get a answer. He was all ready occupied with taking his shot.

So I waited, and when he was done he went right to her and started talking and laughing. I was confused by this , I just stood there like a fool, and then turned on my heal and walked away. Believe me I was fuming, I'm not usually a Jealous person, I just felt betrayed , I atleast had his friendship and he shouldn't have dismiss me so quickly. So most of the night was him with her and I was just pissed, then when she left... he came back to me laughing and joking around with me...ummm no that's not going to happen..... I walked away from him each time he came up... which was childish, but I don't care ! ( stomps foot)

But I'm a fool because he came over last night, and slept till 4:30 pm today.... he jumped up and said he had to go a quick kiss on the shoulder and one on the lips he mumbled something about maybe seeing me tonight, and walked out my door.

sigh