Tuesday, February 4, 2014

My addictions...

I am a mother that is addicted to addies. Adderall

It has gotten to the point that I can not do a simple task without being on it. This is my monster, the demon inside of me that has taken complete control of me. I want to clean I pop one, I want to hang out with Friends I pop one... it's a cycle and I will find any excuse to take one. It started because I was so tired all the time, my monthly habit became weekly and then daily. Even now I feel that I can not be myself with out it. It gives you lots and lots of energy and it makes you talk about everything. I feel that I can't do anything without it.

I feel that I can't be truly me without taking it when I go out because at times I'm so shy and I feel like I can't relate to people around me. It makes me silly and I can drink like a fish. I hate myself on it. I hate that it has come to a pill to bring out me ...but yet it's not really me. Days will go by with lack of sleep because for me this is what it does, it keeps me up and I'm walking zombie, hating myself even more. Sometimes I get anxiety on it and I will cry about something that is not truly happening in my life. It's another one of my mask.. A soulless mask I feel that I can not do anything with out it!!

It makes me fun, yet I feel that I'm hiding inside of myself and I'm cringing , hearing myself laugh and being silly, drinks go down my throat and i find anyone that will speak to me. Anyone that will hear me, for once. When I don't have any my house falls into a black hole of mess and confusion ... hours of Netflick and internet . I hate this. I watch the carefree people and how they just seem to accept life as it is and they are always smiling and laughing, I shut myself deep inside, when I take the small pill something happens and I break free but it's still not me.

I hate this addiction


Sunday, February 2, 2014

My Thoughts For February

It's February and I have not written in many months , today was the first day I missed it. Today might be the only day I write, I tried to set a schedule and in the end I got anxiety and my writing wasn't from the heart. I wrote about things that matter to me , yet I felt it was words that just filled the empty spaces.

Horoscope for this week:

CAPRICORN
December 22–January 19
Rewrite something. Reflect on sibling relationships. Look at your neighborhood with new eyes. Reexamine your ties to your environment and what community means to you. Reshuffle your habitual mindset, calling into question default modes of thinking. Mull over your communication style and how well it expresses your true thoughts. Reconsider your reactions to your own ideas. Ask yourself if you’re a good listener. Think about the filters that affect


Source: Free People Horoscopes by Tracy Allen, Week of Febraury 3-February 9 | Free People Blog http://blog.freepeople.com/2014/02/free-people-horoscopes-tracy-allen-week-febraury-3february-9/#ixzz2sBO5C8Xa

Currently 

Reading: The winter Witch by Paula Brackston


When I have time to read, I'm really enjoying this book, beautifully written.

Listening to: I'm falling in love with Civil Wars all over again!! I have forgotten about them, forgotten about how wonderful this couple is with beautiful lyrics and amazing voices


Thinking about: Sadness in people. How they carry it in them for so long that it becomes ugly and feeds from their very soul, how they will do whatever they can just to feel something other then this ugly feeling. The girl that just wants acceptance from so many her words are so fake and rehearsed that people still don't want to hang around her because she's still so fake. The Nerdy boy that just can't any courage to speak so he sits and watches others just wanting to speak out and laugh with the crowd. It's so sad to me.

I have become very lazy these last 3 months, I have gained 9 pounds and most days I have stayed in bed and kept my excuses believable even to myself . Blaming any thing that I can yet never doing a thing to change it. This month I'm going to try to change this about myself

XOXO

Thursday, November 7, 2013

Lets talk about..

First it's been await, since I've been on here, Life sorta got me running in all directions, but here I am ready to at least write once a week.

Lets Talk about:

I'm just going to let go and just talk because I feel that every now and then you really need to just write freely and let things out. I think the best way to do this is on paper with pen because there is something spiritual about handwriting and writing all your thoughts down as they pop in your head. I've been rereading posts from the past and I so miss the freedom that I seem to have back in those days in writing my thoughts down, Drinking helped. So the plan is how to become poetic with my thoughts and words again? with out the help of alcohol? How can I do this?

I think about all the inspiring artist through out the ages and many of them have used alcohol and or drugs to get their madness out. All I want to do is just get my feelings out on paper and so I can release whatever this "bubble" is inside of me. I think of it like a bubble and it grows and grows and I feel like it's going to pop  soon, but it keeps holding out, for what I don't know.

Next....

Lately I have stood still in my apartment and Looked around, and wished just wished that it was polished and very clean, like a shiny clean. it's not messy, I have nice piles laying around but all in all it's not that bad, I just wish it was super clean. I don't know how to start on that. Having a mother that has a super clean house where you could eat off the floors and everything is fresh and she does it all herself, I just don't know where to start.

Moving On...

When you give yourself to someone and make that choice, and they take it and use it and then walk away as if it was nothing, it tends to hurt and leave this feeling of self dislike. Why do people do that? why do we feel shitty instead of saying Wow that person is a asshole. Why do women have to feel shitty when they did the same thing the guy did? Did society place that blame on us? years and years of not having a voice feeling dirty because of being a women? Could that be the problem?

Just thoughts that are going through my head
hugs and kisses

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Currently and Getting beat up by the Cat, among other things

                                                    Taken From the Blog Free the People

Ingredients

 1 cup water
1/4 tsp turmeric powder
1/4 tsp ginger powder
a pinch of cayenne pepper
1tsp fresh lemon juice
Dollop of honey
Bring one cup of water to a boil. You can do this on the stove or in the microwave. I measured out my water into a mason jar and stuck it in the microwave for 3 minutes. Once your water is hot, stir in all of the other ingredients. You can breathe in the steam of the elixir to help clear your sinuses if you are congested. Finish of with a dollop of honey to sweeten and enjoy!


Source: Two Uses For Turmeric In The Fall | Free People Blog http://blog.freepeople.com/2013/10/turmeric-fall/#ixzz2j7Lc0FRe

I am going to try this today it sounds amazing and really yummy

I got my ass beat up by my cat Ceeno, nothing I'm proud of, he of course got a extra long bath and a glare from me!

I went out with the Ladies and got all dressed up and I have to say I had a lot of fun! I'm not one to get dolled up and all that Jazz

Grateful

For having a job♥ spending time with my daughter♥ going on new adventures♥ amazing people in my life♥ working on me♥ having a roof over my head♥ great family♥ new people in my life♥ coffee♥ kitties ♥ fall days ♥ music♥


Monday, October 21, 2013

Different is Beautiful

Sometimes, I feel that I'm left behind. For whatever reason, for the way I am or how I can't seem to get close to anyone. I have a hard time opening up to People. I don't have a problem in bitching or complaining, but I do have a problem with being completely raw with someone. I can do it threw my writing. I might be a little down today because I got stood up, and I'm putting what little energies I have into that feeling. I got stood up by a guy I never knew. It saddens me because right away he never gave me a chance, and I don't understand a thing, I thought of our last conversation and I felt like it went well, he called me beautiful and sweetheart. He always contacted me first and we had great conversations.

sigh

I still had a fun night and I in the wrong run  need to just think on that. Maybe it's just because my ex just vanished from my life and I have those Daddy issues because he too also left never to return. Accept for a Facebook message 34 years later, Even the Ex will eventually email or text me back because  it's a game we have been playing for the past year. I'm over it though, and I know that I deserve better then the crazy Dramatic life that seems to plague me, because of the choices that I have made. I do only have myself to blame. So now what? What do I do? I will keep going I guess because that's all I can, realize and understand that not everyone is going to leave me and I have to put my faith in people. I also need to stop sabotaging myself and putting myself in dramatic situations or reliving the past. It's really time to move forward, and sitting in my bed watching Netflicks is not helping, Canceling plans with friends is not doing anything, letting things past me by is not doing anything for me.

One step at a time lets Do this!!

Monday Motivation
Hugs and Kisses
Heather

Thursday, October 17, 2013

Things I love Thursday

I sorta disappeared from blogging , I do that at times, I actually do that a lot in life, turning away and not doing much of anything. It's how I cope, coping with Life with my own thoughts and feeling. I love this photo beautiful, I'm a huge fan of mermaids and dark things so this is perfect

Since it's October and I'm so into Horror right now, I'm reading this book and I Love it!♥♥ it's pretty scary. and rumor has it they are coming out with a movie

blogs I love to read♥
tinybuddha.com
sincerly Kinsey
sometimes Sweet

 I would love to sit here and just read, or write in my journal , look out the window and drink coffee! it looks so wonderful and relaxing
                                              Love this shot all those candles, very beautiful


Monday, October 14, 2013

change and Fall

and BAM!!! It's fall Loving the fact that the weather finally changed to fall, none of this 80's decrees in October business because I'm so over that!

Taking another road, I need to try something different in my life, and I'm putting stop to the drama in my life and I'm headed to better things♥ I use to get so upset when people would speak bad about me , I would freak out and lash out, last night and today though I stepped back from it all and I just let things happen around me, and I didn't care. I didn't care what was being said or what people thought ...and I feel so much better about it

Today is a short post and I'm off to enjoy this weather